The French Inhaler

Recurring Dreams

2009-01-28T14:00:00.003-05:00

I've had my string dream once or twice more since the last time we spoke. Our small sample size suggests that I have it monthly. I'm going to start documenting my CRAZY CAR recurring dreams soon.

In addition, last night I realized that I also have another recurring dream. I'm fuzzy on the details, but I believe it involves me being able to hover a few inches off of the ground. What's crazy about this is that until last night, somewhere in the back of my sub-conscience, I actually believed this to be true and a reality. It was only last night that it hit me, "Oh yeah, its just been a series of dreams." I didn't have the dream last night. Just for some reason, it came to me.

Also, since returning from a cruise, I've woken up every night thinking I'm in a hotel or resort, and wondering why my bed wasn't made and why I left my room door wide open. And then I get up and walk around for a couple minutes thinking I'm actually at this resort. In addition, I always accidentally lock my room key in my room and get frustrated and worried and all sorts of other stuff. I fear that I have a new recurring dream. A living dream!!!

Neverending String Dream 2008 Part 10

2008-11-09T11:52:00.001-05:00

Too much chewing gum stuck to the roof of my mouth. My niece could see it and she didn't like it.

Tally: 10.

how come?

2008-09-18T16:42:00.002-04:00

How come Jim Croce is so fucking awful at making phone calls?

hello, geggy tah

2008-09-04T12:06:00.001-04:00

Hey guys. Remember this song? It was really good. And the video is too.

Dealings with Panhandlers

2008-08-28T13:24:00.002-04:00

Hello.

Today, I inadvertently began a new approach to handling panhandlers, specifically those of the pseudo-well-off hustling variety.

As I left Subway, a nicely dressed man with sunglasses asked me "Hey bro, you got some change for me?"

To which I responded, "Sorry guy."

To which he replied, "Ass hat."

Further along on my walk, a slightly more shambly, but still hustly, guy asked, "Hey my man, you got a little change?"

"Sorry guy."

"Thanks a lot, you [couldn't understand]"

People hate being called "guy."

Olympic Fever!

2008-08-28T12:06:00.003-04:00

I still got it! How about you?

Has anyone read up on the 1904 Summer Olympic Marathon? Its amazing. Read under the "Highlights" section:

The marathon was the most bizarre event of the Games. It was run in brutally hot weather, over dusty roads, with horses and automobiles clearing the way and creating dust clouds.
The first to arrive was Frederick Lorz, who actually was just trotting back to the finish line to retrieve his clothes, after dropping out after nine miles. When the officials thought he had won the race, Lorz played along with his practical joke until he was found out shortly after the medal ceremony and was banned for a year by the AAU for this stunt, later winning the 1905 Boston Marathon.
Thomas Hicks (a Briton running for the United States) was the first to cross the finish-line legally, after having received several doses of strychnine sulfate mixed with brandy from his trainers. He was supported by his trainers when he crossed the finish, but is still considered the winner. Hicks had to be carried off the track, and possibly would have died in the stadium, had he not been treated by several doctors.
A Cuban postman named Felix Carbajal joined the marathon. He had to run in street clothes that he cut around the legs to make them look like shorts. He stopped off in an orchard en route to have a snack on some apples, which turned out to be rotten. The rotten apples caused him to have to lie down and take a nap. Despite falling ill to apples he finished in fourth place.
The marathon included the first two black Africans to compete in the Olympics; two Tswana tribesmen named Len Tau (real name: Len Taunyane) and Yamasani (real name: Jan Mashiani). But they weren't there to compete in the Olympics, they were actually the sideshow. They had been brought over by the exposition as part of the Boer War exhibit (both were really students from Orange Free State in South Africa, but this fact was not made known to the public). Len Tau finished ninth and Yamasani came in twelfth. This was a disappointment, as many observers were sure Len Tau could have done better if he had not been chased nearly a mile off course by aggressive dogs.

Someone find me some more info on Andarin Carvajal!

Overheard In the Park Vol. 1

2008-08-27T11:36:00.003-04:00

What prompted the priest to hastily say to the layman he was walking with, "You need to talk to your priest really soon!!!"

Why wasn't he his priest? Give me some context, commenters!

Roxie Rules!

Neverending String Dream 2008 Part 9

2008-08-25T10:08:00.002-04:00

Sorry guys. Another stupid post, but I have to keep track of this stuff. I had this dream again on Friday night. I forget the details but it was by far the scariest neverending stream dream ever. Probably the scariest dream that I've had since I was being chased by that animated wolf on a real-life pirate ship. Pre CGI.

This time, the string was firehose sized. Yuck, right??!???

Tally: 9.

The Missed Redux

2008-07-28T15:32:00.002-04:00

I moved over the weekend. So here's a new ongoing series:

Things I won't miss about living in the Mt. Vernon Apartment: Today, I was accosted (that's bad, right? because it wasn't bad, just annoying) by a panhandler who said, "How about helping out a Led Zeppelin asshole with a dollar or two." I said, "I hate Led Zeppelin" and kept walking. He followed that by listing off other band names, hoping to strike the right chord [ha??]. Pink Floyd, Aerosmith, The Moody Blues...he continued until I was out of earshot, but in my dreamworld, he's still going.

Thing I'll miss about living in the Mt. Vernon Apartment: Going home to shave at lunchtime.

Neverending String Dream 2008 Part 8

2008-07-08T10:46:00.000-04:00

2 months since a string dream incident. Until last night. Bye!!!!!!

more coffee madness

2008-06-20T11:03:00.002-04:00

I'm no coffee buying beginner, but I must admit that I don't fully understood the entire scope of the Coffee World.

Anyhow, I've noticed that sometimes I pay $1.97. Sometimes $2.o3. Sometimes $2.16. For the same thing!

I finally got fed up with this and I asked, "What's the deal??!"

As it turns out, their coffee prices are listed on a sliding scale based on the experience of the barista. If a rookie barista pours, it's $1.97 and the prices just go up from there. Some seasoned vets charge up to $2.65!!!

That's screwed up.

So Sad To Say Goodbye

2008-05-27T10:37:00.004-04:00

Hey everyone.

So, this weekend, I was without internet. To some hippy-dippy types, this would be a weekend dream-come-true.

I'm nervous about the internet. I've been borrowing the "Lakay" wireless connection for nearly a year now and it just disappeared this weekend. All of the other neighborhood connections are password protected. Its my recollection that the Lakay connection has disappeared for a long holiday weekend previously, but its always come back. This time, I'm nervous. Its Tuesday morning and there's no sign of it.

That said, I got even less done than I would on a typical weekend. I did cook a lot of muffins. And I did my best to remove my crappy first iron-on number attempt from my softball shirt. And I watched most of the first season of the Ashes To Ashes television program. And a bunch of Jennifer Connelly movies, unwittingly. But I didn't record any songs. And I didn't go to the swimming pool.

------------------

In other news, my across-the-street neighbors Sarah and Roddy moved to Washington DC this weekend. I never saw their apartment and they never saw mine. Roddy and I were roommates for a few months even a long time ago. There was always talk of casserole parties but I never took the initiative and now I'm immediately regretting it. I could really go for a casserole. I now know no one on my block except for the the two white dogs that I say hi to a lot and the man that I refused to hold the garage door for that one time. That man is either Leviness, Tolzman or Hamilton. For the longest time, I was happy that I didn't hold the door for him, but now, I'm feeling extra-sensitive and I hope its not too late to mend a possible very nice neighborhood friendship. After a while, you get sick of all your friends being just lowly law students. I just want to be buddies with the real deal!

What's worst is that I now have this sick feeling in my stomach that Sarah and Roddy were probably the proprietors of "Lakay."

So, Verizon and Comcast aside, what sort of high speed connection have all of you signed up for?

Movie Review: The Missed

2008-05-20T11:11:00.003-04:00

WARNING: SPOILERS!

I know that I shouldn't be reviewing movies, but have you guys seen this The Mist movie? Man, its pretty crazy. It had been sitting at the apartment for a month or so, and I was feeling particularly fright-possible on Sunday night, so I went for it.

If you didn't know, this thing was based upon a Stephen King short story. Now, I'm not going to lie to you. I'm a member of the Stephen King Library. The Stand is still my favorite mini-series of all time. I signed up ten years ago and they sent me a free skeleton key chain. Since then, I've received every King book. And then once I received them all, they started sending me desk calendars and other stuff like that. Anything they could reasonably charge me (read: my mom) for, they sent me. I would un-sign up at this point, but at this point, I don't necessarily know how to do it.

So, I've got a bit of a vendetta against Mr. King. And then, a few years back, he started writing a monthly back-page column for my favorite magazine, Entertainment Weekly. At first, it seemed like an exciting idea, but it quickly became my most despised part of the magazine. Sure he'd talk up Lost, but then he'd waste his next breath on Jericho and muse about how Skeet Ulrich is one of America's most talented young actors. And then my blood pressure rises everytime I hear him mention his musical taste. Rockabilly that. Garage that. Driveby Truckers over here. Ryan Adams over there.

But the kicker is how often he refers to himself as "your uncle Stevie." Its something that I'd expect from my other least favorite Ste[ph/v]en, Steven Van Zandt. Fortunately, he already calls himself "Little Steven," so "Uncle Little Stevie" would be too much of a mouthful for even him.

So, anyhow, this movie was adapted for the screen and directed by Frank Darabont. Without Stephen King, this guy would be living in the gutter. He struck gold with the Shawshank Redemption. And then, he sorta made a movie out of The Green Mile. The rest of his credits read very similar to my own. If I wrote a draft for a new Indiana Jones movie, I'm sure George Lucas and Steven Spielberg (Number One Steven?) would reject it too. And I'm sure that I'd be bitter about it.

The Mist opens with a big-time storm and a bunch of trees falling down. And so, the next morning, the lead character (we'll call him Desperate Househusband, since I've never seen him before and he seems the type that's probably done a stint on Desperate Housewives) goes outside and him, his wife and little boy complain about all of the trees. One of them fell right onto their boathouse! They thought they had it bad, until the Desperate Househusband goes next door to find that a giant tree also fell onto Andre Braugher's BMW or some shit!

This is the point in the movie where I was hoping that I was about to watch two hours worth of this househusband walking around town checking out all the weird stuff that trees can fall on.

But that's not what it is. It turns out that Andre Braugher signed up to play another grumpy guy who's way too stuck in his ways. It appears that him and the DHH sorta hate each other. Lawsuits and stuff. But they let bygones be bygones, and the DHH lets AB tag along with him and his boy as they go to town to visit the supermarket. And then the househusband even tells the boy to hold Braugher's hand as they walked into the store.

This supermarket is filled to the brim with superstars! Marcia Gay Harden is all religiousy. The little man that plays Truman Capote when Philip Seymour Hoffman isn't available is there, and fortunately, he's good at shooting a gun. And then there's two of your favorite Hey, Its That Guy!s. This guy and that guy (here pictured with your favorite Hey, Its That Pilot!). Then, there's a bunch of other people.

Anyhow, they all get locked inside of this supermarket, because this big Mist has decided to roll into town and kill everyone. What's in the Mist? A lot of big insects. Who cares.

Anyhow, the desperate househusband is the first to discover that its a bunch of insects when he goes back into the store room to get his boy a blanket. Him and four other guys. One of them is killed. So, they come back into the main store. DHH tries to explain this to Andre Braugher and Andre Braugher flat out refuses to believe any of it. "You're making this up! You're playing a practical joke on me! Fuck you!" He doesn't care about the missing bagboy. He doesn't care about the bloody clothes. He doesn't care about the chunk of tentacle that DHH cut off of the giant squid that killed the bagboy. Fuck you!

Meanwhile, there are some soldiers in the supermarket. Shouldn't they be taking charge of the situation? Nope. Its all up to the househusband. Its not like they're painted as cowards or something and reluctant to help out. Its just that they showed them enter the store, but then the story just forgets about them, until the story decides that it wants one of them to have sex with one of the cashiers in the snack room.

Okay okay. So they hang out for a while. Capote shoots Marcia Gay Harden.

And then, the househusband decides that him, his boy, DHH's new love interest (perhaps an old flame?) and two old people are going to run out to his car and they're just gonna start driving and take it however far they can go! Capote was gonna come too, but he got eaten. Luckily, they were able to take his gun with them.

So, they keep driving until the fuel runs out. But its still misty! Rather than be killed by these insects, they decide (while the boy sleeps!) that they'll just shoot themselves. But they only have four bullets! Five people. Four bullets! "I'll figure something out."

So, the car has been stalled for nearly five minutes. There is no sign of the insects. But why take any chances? Let's just kill ourselves immediately. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Old person, old person, lady, boy. All dead!

Within seconds, the fog starts to clear a little bit and some Army tanks roll by. A rescue mission. All order has been restored! No more insects. DHH gets out of his car and cries his eyes out! How awful! "I killed my boy!"

Man, what a jerk.

Go see this movie!!!

My freezer and your freezer

2008-05-16T10:57:00.002-04:00

Why isn't there a light in the freezer? What's in there that they don't want me seeing?

Youtube for Non-youtubers

2008-05-14T10:52:00.002-04:00

Seeing as I still don't feel like typing much, I am occasionally to try to make you happy by showing you some video clips. This one makes me feel really good. Thanks to Laundre for showing it to me.

I guess I'll see you later.

my favorite SNL bit of all time

2008-05-08T16:12:00.006-04:00

Hi everyone.

Most of you who read this have probably already been shown this video today, so this an anti-climatic blog post. But these posts are few and far between so I have to show you things that make me laugh when they do.

This sketch is called "Connie Stinson Talks" and stars Christopher Walken. I remember seeing it when it originally aired. The Fischer brothers and I were obsessed with it and our band Salad Days recorded an impromptu album ("Where Fresh Is The Taste") one night with songs that were littered with references to hot slices of stinkin' hog flesh.

Upon researching the sketch, I discovered that its never aired again since the original broadcast. I don't know why. Its a little longer than your typical sketch, but its not about Puerto Rican Day or anything.

Anyhow, there's one crappy video-dub of it online at this link . I've embedded it below. The quality is awful but its worth it, I hope.

Love,
Poor Poor Pitiful Me

p.s. here's a transcript for the hell of it.

A Series of Confessions

2008-05-06T10:21:00.003-04:00

Hi America.

Remember last Halloween when you were leaving that pizza shop and found that unopened bag of fun-size Starbursts and Skittles on the sidewalk? I put those there for you.

And remember on Fat Tuesday, when you were a homeless man and you found that sealed box of Polish bow-tied kruschickis sitting on those steps? I figured you'd like those.

Oh, and remember when after that long, hard day of work, when you were dreading going home to clean your shower because you knew you were all out of that Scrubble Bubbles Automatic Shower Cleaner liquid? Well, I left some by that trash can in our joint garage for you. Hope it works better for you than it did for me.

And finally, to you, Garbage man. I hope my that my old Club didn't make that trash bag too heavy for you. Sorry I didn't leave the key, but I trust you'll find that any old key will work fine with it.

I'm glad I got that off of my chest.

Sports Talk

2008-05-06T10:19:00.002-04:00

Hey everyone. I want to start a snarky sports talk radio show, but I'm having a hard time finding a loud-mouth, strongly opinionated guy named Mike. Any help?

Neverending String Dream 2008 Part 7

2008-05-05T12:32:00.001-04:00

It was a blink and you'll miss it moment...

I'm sitting there. String comes out. I immediately turn to the woman sitting next to me and say, "Pull at this!" She did. It never ended. She said, "That's weird!"

And.....scene!

Neverending String Dream Tally 2008: 7

Songtown - Vol. 15 (Field Of Dreams)

2008-05-01T15:07:00.003-04:00

Hi everyone. Welcome back to Songtown. I took a break a much needed break from songs.

New format, I'm not doing that block party listing of album/artist/year information anymore. Not today anyhow.

In fact, for the last month, I've forced myself to listen to only new music. I set up my iPhone to only play songs that qualify under these two conditions:

added to iTunes in the past 3 months
rating equals zero stars, which should mean that I'm unfamiliar with the songs.

Off course, occasionally, there was a Super Hit of the Seventies that I didn't realize that I knew simply by song title. So, those were the exceptions. Like when Andrew Gold's "Thank You For Being A Friend" popped on.

That's a great song. Find more than 13 seconds of the song, and you'll like it even more.

Anyhow, yesterday morning, I started listening to music the old way again. A big time shuffle of new stuff and all of my old personal favorites. Anyhow, I didn't realize how much I missed it. The first song that came on was this one by the Primary 5. Field of Dreams, its called, and I must say that I got fairly emotional over it.

Bye!

Neverending String Dream 2008 Parts 5 and 6

2008-04-21T10:47:00.004-04:00

So, I forgot to tell you, but I had the string dream last week again. Forgettable circumstances.

And then, last night I had another one. This time, the string was coming from a tiny hole right behind my top two front teeth. By "top two" I mean literally the top two. Not my favorite two teeth. Although if I had to pick my favorite teeth, it would probably also be those two.

For the first time ever, I tried to cut the string with a pair of scissors. I knew it wouldn't totally solve the problem, but if I could cut it close enough so that it wouldn't be that noticeable to my tongue, I would have been fine with it. Of course, it was really hard to cut the string and for the most part, I didn't succeed. The string would fold horizontally along with the blades so it wouldn't cut. It was a similar feeling to when I was a young left-handed child attempting to use right-handed scissors.

There was also another sub-plot where a bunch of friends and I were running up the stairs of a 26 story building try to figure out why each level seemed so "dream-like." There was a narrator who was trying to convince us that it was a dream and that in order to wake up, we needed to jump off the building. No fucking way, dude! I wound up waking up by simply sleeping enough.

The narrator/kill yourself storyline was inspired by a popular television series with a title based on a popular "glam rock" song name. I won't tell you which show/song it was because it might spoil it if you ever decide to check it out.

This was not a cry for help. I'm fine!!!

Neverending String Dream Tally 2008: 6

Friday Quickfire #1

2008-04-11T09:49:00.002-04:00

Hey guys. I just want to talk.

The girl behind me at Donna's ordered a bagel. As I was fixing up my coffee, I heard the barista ask the bagel girl the following question:

"Did we discuss putting cream cheese on your bagel?"

Anything goes!

Office Water Cooler #2

2008-03-08T11:09:00.002-05:00

Topic Two: Let's say its raining outside. Since you left your umbrella at home, you want to put the hood of your sweatshirt up in order to shield yourself from the rain.

How do you respond when a coworker says, "Man, when you put your hood up, you look even more like a stalker!" ?

Discuss below.

One Step over the Finkeline

2008-03-07T19:36:00.005-05:00

At what point do I decide that Doctor Finkelstein or his older brother have crossed that doctor/patient no-no line?

Listen here. Its not much.

Catching up with the Finkmeister

2008-03-07T17:03:00.002-05:00

Dr. Finkelstein called again today. Sounded like his office was pretty busy. He barely had a chance to ask me if I had taken my meds before his big brother got on the line to say, "Who dis?"

Of course, I responded, "I don't know. Who dis?" Then he hung up.

Conversations With Dr. Finkelstein

2008-03-03T14:33:00.008-05:00

I didn't do much on Saturday night, but here's what did happen.

[Ring...ring.]

Call #1 (8:38 PM EST)

Me: Hello?

Kid Stranger: [rustling]

Me: Hello?

Kid Stranger: Who this?

Me: Chris.

Kid Stranger: [rustling]

Me : [click]

Call #2 (8:40 PM EST)

[I don't answer.]

Voicemail from Kid Stranger: Chris? [click]

Call #3 (8:41 PM EST)

Me: Hello?

KS: Hello?

Me: I think you have the wrong number.

KS: Is this Chris?

Me: Yes

KS: Chris, this is your doctor calling.

Me: Okay.

KS: I was calling to, uh, tell you, uh, that you have a high blood pressure.

Me: Okay

KS: And that's not good.

Me: I know.

KS: [rustling]

Me: Okay, well, thanks for letting me know.

KS: What? [click]

Call #4 (8:42 PM EST)

Me: Hello?

KS: Chris?

Me: Yes.

KS: Hi. This is your secret agent calling. Someone filed a complaint on the internet saying that you were getting phone calls from an unknown number.

Me: Yeah, I was, but it was just my doctor, so its cool.

KS: No, we're sending some agents over to your house. They'll be there in five minutes.

Me: Okay.

KS: [click]

Call #5 (8:46 PM EST)

Me: Hello?

KS: Chris, this is your special agent calling again. Those agents aren't coming anymore.

Me: Oh, okay.

KS: The police are surrounding your house because someone told them that you have a gun.

Me: What?

KS: You need to come outside with the gun in the next thirty minutes or they're going to burn down your house.

Me: Really? I should get outside, I guess.

KS: Yes. If you come out with the gun, you will only get four years in jail.

Me: Okay, that seems like a fair deal.

KS: Yes, you need to go outside.

Me: Okay, I better get going.

KS: [click]

Call #6 (8:49 PM EST) and Call #7 (8:51 PM EST)

Listen to them simultaneously overtop of each other

Call #8 (9:15 PM EST)

-----------------

And thus concluded Saturday's chat with Dr. Finkelstein.

BONUS Sunday Chat!!!

Call #9 (3:38PM EST)

Me: Hello?

Dr. Finkelstein: Chris?

Me: Yes.

Dr. Finkelstein: Chris, this is your doctor calling.

Me: Dr. Finkelstein?

Dr. Finkelstein: Yes. I was calling to tell you that there's a medicine that you can get that will help you with your crack addiction.

Me: I'm interested in that. Where can I get it?

Finkelstein's assistant in the background: Walgreen's.

Dr. Finkelstein: Walgreen's.

Me: Cool. I'll head there now.

Finkelassistant: Get two of them.

Dr. Finkelstein: Make sure you get two of them, because you'll need a lot.

Me: Thanks, doc.

Dr. Finkelstein: Just make sure you take two of them every night.

Me: Okay.

Dr. Finkelstein: And make sure you have them with a glass of water!

Me: Okay, thanks, Doc.

Dr. Finkelstein: [click]

Call #10 (6:17PM EST)

Me: Hey, doc.

Dr. Finkelstein: [click]

Office Water Cooler #1

2008-02-29T14:48:00.002-05:00

Topic One: How do you respond if a co-worker follows their sneeze with an "Owwwww!!!!!"

Me, I just ignore it.

Discuss below.

About Last Night's Dream

2008-02-27T16:31:00.003-05:00

Last night, I had a dream. It was obviously inspired by Oscar Night, although I can't explain why it happened two nights after the Oscars.

I was in a diner and I noticed Jack Nicholson sitting by himself. Someone had told me earlier in the dream that Jack was super-approachable and that he'd probably love for me to sit down and have a cup of coffee with him. Add that to the fact that everyone else was oblivious that he was there, and I knew that I had to go have a chat with him.

So, I worked my way around the perimeter of the diner to allow myself enough time to collect my thoughts and figure out what my opener was going to be. As I approached his table, who walks into the diner but Tom Hanks!!! Nobody noticed him either. He walks toward me, trying to look inconspicuous. I wanted to play it cool and didn't want to fawn over him, so I decided just to give him a head nod and a tiny greeting.

But instead, I accidentally screamed, "Helllllllllooooooooo Mr. Haaaaaanks!!!!" at the top of my lungs. He gave me a dirty look and rushed past me as swarms of diner patrons start chasing him.

What's more is that Nicholson looked disgusted and shook his head at me.

Songtown - Vol. 14 (Since She Started To Ride)

2008-02-27T15:31:00.003-05:00

Artist: Jonathan Richman
Song: Since She Started To Ride
Album: Jonathan Goes Country
Year: 1990
Download

Hello Song Lovers!

I'm sorry I haven't written about songs recently. As I had previously explained, this feature was starting to make me hate songs. I'm still fully recovered and loving songs again, but I'm going to give it a go just because you deserve it.

Today, I'm going to listen to this Jonathan Richman song over and over until I've decided that I've typed enough.

Do you remember that scene in Pee-Wee's Big Adventure where Pee-Wee has to rescue all of those animals from the burning pet store? First off, do pet stores really sell monkeys? Second off, if you're like me, you've never commiserated more with a movie character than when Pee-Wee continually runs past the snakeaquarium every time he goes to grab another pet. He momentarily stops, sneers and then runs past. But you can tell that he's resigned to his fate that he's going to have to eventually save them too. So after Pee-Wee and the monkey bring every other creature out to the sidewalk, Pee-Wee heads back into the store to face off with destiny. [As an aside, is destiny, by definition, a positive thing? or am I correct in assuming that there can be nightmareish destinies, too?] Pee-Wee emerges from the store with snakes flowing from both hands and does a perfect cartoon-like twirly faint to the ground. Later, a fireman wakes him up and calls him a hero or something.

This is similar to my experience with Jonathan Richman. Except replace the "worst nightmare" tone with a bed-time fairytale type scenario. I didn't know much about him in 1997 or 1998 or some other year. All I know was how awesome the front cover of "Surrender To Jonathan" was.

Every time that I went to Best Buy, I'd browse through every rack in the CD section, I'd flip past this album and give a little smirk. I knew that I'd inevitably need to buy this album, but for now, I had other purchases to make. And so we did our dance for a few months, until finally it had reached the top of my purchase queue. And what a rewarding purchase it was. This one is Top Ten album in my life. Most fans tend to like the Modern Lovers stuff the most, but I don't understand how this couldn't not be anyone's favorite. Every time I listen to it, I do a little fainty twirl and fall prostrate to the ground.

So, the song that I picked to muse about today doesn't even come from "Surrender" so why am I going on so much about it? I don't know. That's the Origins part of the story.

I sat on this album for a few years and didn't explore much else. I bought a few albums, but I never really listened to them. In 2000, I found Gram Parsons and that's when my love affair with country music (aside from Wilco's A.M.) really went into full bloom. So, I did the country thing and a few years later, I decided that I needed to finish my Jonathan collection and I was thrilled to find that he had an album called "Jonathan Goes Country." Could there have been a better idea? Not to me.

[As an aside. I don't know the proper usage of quotes, underlines or italics anymore.]

"Since She Started To Ride" epitomizes Jonathan for me. It seems that Jonathan's character has lost his love to a horse. She'd just much rather be out on the farm "grooming and graining. " God, this is poetry. I've emboldened some real choice lines:

She's got a brown suntan starting just above her collar
Her lower arms they're brown, but the rest is kinda pale
She'd buy Betadine if she only had a dollar
And she'd live out in the pasture if she only had a tail.

And no I don't see her much since she started with horses
No I don't see her much since she started to ride.

Well her jeans they get like a wet saddle blanket
And her boots are like you'd figure
And her car is full of hay
Horses, humans if she had to rank it
You'd bet on they that canter
And them that need fly spray

And you see I don't see her much since she started with horses
No I don't see her much since she started to ride

Candle and fender, barrel and mane
Don't see her much since she started to train
Cannon bone, knee bone, forearm and arm
I don't see her much when she heads for the barn
And she's so satisfied when she's riding and training
She must just love that smell of the barn I would say
She's so satisfied when she's grooming and graining
And she's tired in the evening and she's gone in the day

And no I don't see her much since she started with horses
No I don't see her much since she started to ride.

What is a betadine? I think that was in a Blue Angels thing.

Also of note is how he leads the players into the Solo section..."Go boys...tell 'em all about it!"

Now, I'm not saying that he was the first to use some words of encouragement to push his band into a solo, but when I first Jonathan do this, I knew that I would have to do the same in nearly every song I'd write from there on out. "Michael Junior Gittings on the guitar!" That sort of thing.

Hey, look. It was great talking with you.

TiVo DeTermination

2008-02-26T09:58:00.003-05:00

Hello World.

So, if you know anything about me, its probably that I love television and that TiVo is a sacred golden god that I bow to nightly. I've been TiVoing for about three years now and over that time, my love of television has only grown. If you don't know much about Tivo other than that its a hard disk VCR, one of the biggest perks is setting up a "Season Pass" for your favorite series. The TiVo will automatically record every episode of said season. First run. Repeats. You decided what it does.

I won't say how many series that I have Season Passes set up for, but I'll say that its a lot. And I can't say that all of these series are my favorites. But I watch a lot of television late at night and early in the morning and since I have the disk space to record a lot of junk, why not fill it up with as many options as possible?

So working under that philosophy, before last night, I've only had the occasion of deleting one Season Pass. Jericho. This show just tried my patience. It was a prime time soap opera trying to mask itself as this intense thoughtful government conspiracy. I didn't buy it. But I gave it ten episodes to prove me wrong. It didn't, so I deleted it. Of course, after a few months, I got bored and decided to download the rest of the season and watched them all across two or three days. Now, I've been TiVoing and watching Season Two, which is trying my patience even more and could very well be the first Season Pass that I delete twice.

But first. I'm deleting my Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles Season Pass. I knew the moment had come when I realized that my favorite character was played by Brian Austin Green.

Apparently, there are people who think that the Terminator story has one of the deepest seeded mythologies in the history of Hollywood. I enoyed me some T2: Judgment Day, but I've fallen asleep every time I've tried to watch the first one and I break a household object every time I try to watch this show. I could care less if John Connor saves us from the machines in twenty years.

Its just dumb. The characters are stupid. After eight hours, you'd think that someone would have to seem interesting. That's all it takes for me. If I can look forward to the screen time of just one character, I'm with you until the bitter end. But there's nothing here.

Last week was when I really started having my doubts. Brian Austin Green is from the future. He meets a guy in the future who he decides that he needs to kill. So, he jumps back to the past (our time) and kills this guy. But even after he kills the guy, he's still having "memories" of the future where he's hanging out with this guy. Paradox! Its a paradox!

If this was Lost, the writers would be wanting us to ask, "Why does this dead guy still appear in the future world?" The answer to that question would be an important piece to the overall puzzle. The Terminator writers are just hoping that we don't notice. I noticed! Paradox!!

But, what's my least favorite part of the show? The Sarah Connor narration. I tune in and out of it when it starts because I know its pointless drivel about how special her boy is. The writers want us to think its poignant, but if you catch yourself listening to it, you'll just hear something like, "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. When I die, I want to be buried in the earth."

I'll starting writing about songs again soon.

Things I Overheard Yesterday - Vol. 2

2008-02-25T15:36:00.002-05:00

So, it wasn't yesterday, but it was Friday, which is really close to yesterday.

Before running off to a little dinner party, I stopped in the local liquor store to buy some bottles of something. The store's stock boy opened the door for me as a Sammy Hagar-ish type song started playing over the store radio. I said thanks and I thought that I was probably done with him. I picked out my beer, and headed to the register. I walked past the stock boy again, but I didn't make eye contact with him. After I had passed him, he said [to me?] "I think this was in a Blue Angels thing." I don't know who he was talking too, but I was determined to have it not be so I ignored it. I continued with my transaction. Thirty seconds later, another guy came in and before he even got over the threshold, the stock boy said, "Yeah. This was definitely in a Blue Angels thing." This time, he was definitely talking to the new guy, but the new guy ignored him as I did.

Here's your quiz:

What sort of "thing" do the Blue Angels do? Are they the flip-floppy plane guys?
Was it really Sammy Hagar?
Was he talking to me?
Why did he start that conversation with the other guy as if they had been talking about it previously?
Why did the other guy just ignore him?
Before I arrived, why was the stock boy standing halfway outside of the store trying to catch the rain?
Was this in a Blue Angels thing?

Neverending String Dream 2008 Part 4

2008-02-25T15:32:00.002-05:00

Okay, short update. I had a dangerous string dream on Saturday night. It wasn't gum, or string or toothpicks. I don't know what it was, but it was actually attached to my gum between two of my top front teeth. It was a little piece of turkey wish-boney type material that extended down a little further than my teeth. I pulled it and it slowly extended itself. This was a tough piece of turkey wish-boney material, so it took a lot of effort. I did break a piece off at once, but alas, I still kept trying to get rid of all of it. Everytime I pulled, it felt like I was at risk of pulling the entire top of my mouth off.

Neverending String Dream Tally 2008: 4

Things I Overheard Yesterday - Vol. 1

2008-02-21T16:14:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, I was walking to Quizno's and I walked passed two middle aged women smoking on steps of a church (St. James Something Or Another.) They seemed like they were talking about some serious shit. One lady left and either said, "I'm so glad I found Grace at St. James" or "I'm so glad I found grace at St. James."

The other one woman (Grace??) responded, "I know."

Anybody know these ladies?

Give Me A Tropical Contact High

2008-02-21T15:00:00.005-05:00

Some of my favorite websites have a section called "Random Notes" or something like that, where they just list off some blurbs. Typically, its baseball, music or movie related. But I'm going to turn this thing on its head and only write about tropical things. And phrase everything in the form of a question.

Is there any more annoying movie trivia factoid than "Johnny Depp based his Pirates of the Caribbean character off of Keith Richards"? At what point does it stop being trivia and just become common knowledge? Get me to that day.
Speaking of the Caribbean, did you know that Billy Ocean also released alternative versions of "Caribbean Queen" called "European Queen" and "African Queen"?
Did you know about this?

Okay, that's all I have.

Dream Diary!

2008-02-19T11:44:00.002-05:00

Okay, so I didn't dream about string, gum or tiny toothpicks last night, nor do I know if its appropriate to post dreams about Heath Ledger quite yet, but I'm going to give this to all of you, anyhow.

Last night's dream was obviously influenced by this news story regarding Terry Gilliam's next film, [The] Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus. If you didn't know, Ledger was filming this when he died, thus giving us a new addition to The Curse of Terry Gilliam. So, yeah, its now being reported that Jude Law, Johnny Depp and Colin Farrell are all going to fill in to complete the role started by Ledger. This is all made possible due to the complex sci-fi fantasy nature of the plot.

So, about the dream. I was working on a new docu-style TV show. The premise had something to do with me researching instances in entertainment where dead people were credited as playing a role posthumously. That doesn't nearly explain the entire premise. As an example, a dead guy was credited as playing drums on Rufus Wainwright's debut album. That's not actually true, so don't research it, but my dream told me it was true. As it turns out, Rufus has worked with a lot of dead guys.

Okay, this is going nowhere fast. I got a sneak peak at the set of Dr. Parnassus and it turns out that the reports that Ledger had filmed any significant scenes for this film were vastly over-exaggerated. In fact, he had only filmed but one or two tiny scenes. In order to save face, the producers had arranged to have Ledger's body exhumed. They threw him into a blue bodysuit and were in the process of filming a bunch of shots of Ledger shooting around on a zip line. I can't vouch for the authenticity of this story, but if this movie comes out and there's a bunch of zip line scenes, be prepared to be thoroughly creeped out and possibly vomit.

So, that was probably not an appropriate story to tell.

Neverending String Dream 2008 Part 3

2008-02-12T10:43:00.000-05:00

Look out Music City! 'Cause I'm here and I ain't never leavin'!

I don't have much to write about today, so I decided to open with a quote from one of the greatest movies of all time, The Thing Called Love, starring Rivery Phoenix, Samantha Mathis, Sandra Bullock and either Dylan McDermott or Dermot Mulroney. They all move to Nashville or Memphis (which one is the Music City?) to make it big in the country music business and to stalk Trisha Yearwood. River is a little reckless, as it turns out, and he may or may not die or end up in a wheelchair for a portion of the movie. I remember wanting to sing with Samantha Mathis. At one point, the two blond haired singers go up on top of a building top and scream that line that I typed up at the top there. If you were here, I'd mock scream it for you in their funny southern draw. They had goofy fun doing it, so when I want some goofy fun, I'm gonna do it for sure.

So, I love this movie but I haven't seen it since the mid-nineties, so maybe I don't like it. I loved it even before I loved country music. So, now, I'll either deem it inauthentic or I'll think its even better. It was worthy enough to receive "Director's Cut" treatment, which I own, but its gone un-open for the last 2 years.

So, yeah...I had this dream last night that didn't include string or rope or bubble gum, but did include tiny miniature toothpicks that were stuck all up in my teeth, gums and tongue. I kept pulling them out, but there was no end in sight. In the previous dreams, I'd tried to hide the string or gum, but this time, I complained a lot about these miniature toothpicks and people seemed pretty sympathetic, but no one offered up any good advice as to how to get rid of them. They hurt! I can't recall any of the details because I was too busy getting my stuff in order to go vote for my coworker Elliot (his platform: "First thing I'd do is close a lot of stuff.")

Speaking of which...I got to work at 8:45AM this morning. Earlier than anyone else. So, I'm trying to decide which excuse I'd rather leave at 4PM because of...

a) I'll lie and say that I got to work at 8AM
b) I'll lie and say that I haven't voted yet
c) I'll just leave.

Thoughts? Can anyone else think of a third name that would complete the Golden Trilogy of Boring but Similar Long Names alongside Dermot and Dylan?

Neverending String Dream Tally 2008: 3

Songtown - Vol. 13 (He'd Be A Diamond)

2008-02-06T11:47:00.000-05:00

Artist: The Bevis Frond
Song: He'd Be A Diamond
Album: New River Head
Year: 1990
Download

So, there's something sad that I've realized recently. I've written about twelve of my favorite songs so far, but as I look back over them, I feel like I never want to hear any of them ever again. The same goes for all of the songs that the Egg Babies have ever covered. Whenever these songs pop up on the iPod, I immediately skip to the next track. This is sad, right? Look what I've done to myself.

Anyhow, here's to another one down the drain...

As is a recurring theme, I first heard "He'd Be A Diamond" because Teenage Fanclub recorded it as a b-side for their "I Don't Want Control Of You" single. With your assumption deemed correct that I think this song is the bomb and intercourse, I obviously had to track down the original.

Thus, I found the Bevis Frond. I can't say that I like the Bevis Frond very much. I've had their album New River Head (their "masterwork") for seven or eight years now, yet this is still the only song that has found its way onto my iPod. I've read that Mr. Bevis Frond, Nick Saloman, is considered Britain's answer to Robert Pollard. A prolific songwriter with a ton of output, albeit with most of it teetering on the wrong side of the self-indulgent line. With a lot more psychedlic guitar solos.

But it doesn't matter what else he's written, because "He'd Be A Diamond" is a song that he can hang his hat on for the rest of eternity. Its a song filled with an endless stream of metaphors that describe the idea of being in a relationship that's run its course. No matter how hard you try to let bygones be bygones, there are some things that you just can't keep in the past. ("When you turn your back, you still see what's behind you/When you start up fresh, you still think of days gone by"). At the focus of the song, here's this dude who's had too many chances. He treats his girl like crap, and uses her for beer, dope and her ironing prowess. Every time she cuts him loose, he wins her back by promising to be a diamond next time. Speaking of promises, I promise you that this will be the first and last time that you'll hear words like "when you blow your nose, it still gets blocked up and runs" and be totally moved by them.

This is really great, isn't it??!? And I still love it!

Neverending String Dream 2008 Part 2

2008-02-05T09:43:00.000-05:00

So, I'm really sorry that I've been out of touch recently. I hope to start telling more stories really soon. For now, I have to concentrate on coughing and feeling hot.

That said, I couldn't sleep very well last night. Or at least, I slept exceptionally well from 8:30PM to 1:30AM, only to wake up and become all tossy and turny. After a few hours of that, I made it back to sleep, only to experience the second instance of the NEVERENDING STRING DREAM saga in 2008.

A group of friends and I decided to take The Bomb and Intercourse Bus Trip to somewhere in Pennsylvania. And against popular belief, this wasn't some sex romp trip. Just an unfortunately named wholesome trip to some rest stop/mall. It seemed like a food court at a mall, except the prices and tastes were a bit more of the rest stop quality.

Lo and behold, it turned out that I had some gum stuck in between my teeth and I spent much of the second half of the dream pulling it out. What was significant about this dream was that for once, someone else realized what was going on. I don't know who she was, but she picked up on it and pointed out this gum problem to me. I wasn't as embarassed as I had previously thought that I would be.

Alright, I just had to tell you.

Neverending String Dream Tally 2008: 2

Songtown - Vol. 12 (The Glutton Of Sympathy)

2008-01-31T11:18:00.000-05:00

Artist: Jellyfish
Song: The Glutton of Sympathy
Album: Spilt Milk
Year: 1993
Download

I remember getting really excited in 1993 when Taco Bell announced that they were sponsoring the first annual Battle of the Bands to be broadcast on some network station. When the night came around, I settled in front of the TV, with my Fruit By The Foot or mayonnaise sandwiches or whatever I was into at the time, and was thoroughly wowed that I was finally witnessing one of these battles. I had heard about these battles and I longed to be involved in one on day, but for now, I was happy to just be a tertiary part of the process.

To me, it seemed like this was a week long event or at least a few hours, but after my research, it appears that it was all kept with a 60 minute (live?) telecast. I think there were four bands total, with current Recher Theatre faves Too Skinnee J's going heads up against the Noise Boys. I remember liking the Noise Boys more, but I remember very little about them. I can guarantee that they weren't these guys. Well, Too Skinnee J's pulled it out in the end and I wasn't all that disappointed because I thought they were a lot of fun.

The show must have been a royally unpopular one, as this ended up being the first and last annual Battle. No one ever told me, so I continued to tune in year after year until the invent of the internet in hopes that it'd pop back on any second now. I might have even gone as far as to probe a Taco Bell employee as to the future of this world changing event. The irony of the whole thing is that Fox is now presenting their search for the Next Great American Band, and I could care less.

Well, back to the point. As a treat, they had established pop/rock group Jellyfish perform at the half-way point. I had heard of them, but had never explored them because I stereotyped them as being music for clowns, based on their clothing. Well, anyhow, they played. Their lead singer was their drummer. And he was standing up and playing the drums too! Unheard of. I was hooked. I told myself that they were going to be my favorite band from that point on. But instead, I resisted picking up either of their albums and it was only when I got the record store job did I finally invest in them.

I'm not sure how my 13 year old self would have felt about these albums. I would like to say that he would have loved them even more than I do currently, but that might be wishful thinking. Either way, I can't really imagine a way how Jellyfish would have vastly improved my life between the years of 1993 and 2005.

The two Jellyfish albums represent absolute perfect pop music production. The vocals are all pitch perfect. There's no flubs to be heard in any of the instrument takes. No signs that these guys aren't Jesus himself playing some powerpop tunes.

Of course (and oddly), the perfection can be a bit of a turn-off. There's a certain charm to the occasional screw-up, so the sheen could possibly drive you nuts. Matthew Sweet does this same thing, but he winds up pissing me off much more than Jellyfish. Sometimes I just want to scream when I listen to a lot of his stuff.

Striving for recording perfection isn't for everyone. First and foremost, you have to be capable of creating perfection. Matthew Sweet and a lot of other mid-nineties powerpoppers aren't actually capable of perfection, but they try and it turns out more frustrating then anything. To me, "Powerpop" is defined as "a failed attempt at perfection" so that's why I typically avoid that term like that plague. Jellyfish, however, totally rocked it. I don't know how they're holding up these days, but Brian Wilson probably went nuts because he was chasing perfection. So my second point is just that...be careful, guys!

Anyhow, here's my favorite track of theirs, "The Glutton of Sympathy." Perhaps the lead vocal might be a little too dramatic for you, but maybe not? That said, I challenge you to pin point even one note or beat that sounds like its out of place or out of time.

Random Temperature Generator

2008-01-31T09:31:00.000-05:00

Welcome Back Everyone!

I'm convinced that my Mac's weather widget is playing mind games with me. Now that I'm adult, I've decided to start dressing responsibly in the morning dependent on what the forecast is. The easiest way to check said forecast is via this widget. All I need to do is drag my cursor to the top right corner of the screen and bam, there's my temperature.

Except, yesterday it told me it was 48 degrees out, so I left the gloves, scarf and hat home. It felt more like 28 degrees when I got outside.

And this morning, I was bracing for the promises 22 degrees, so I bundled up pretty well, only to look like a chump when I got outside to a temperature well above freezing.

What good is this thing? I should probably check to see if it still thinks I live in Baltimore.

Songtown - Vol. 11 (Perfume)

2008-01-24T13:54:00.000-05:00

Artist: Spin The Spin
Song: Perfume (demo)
Album: Mike's Demos
Year: 2000
Download

Spin The Spin was perhaps the most well-planned band that's ever existed in history. I had been recording my little tapes as Twentieth Century Styles. Mark and Mike's work in The Spontaneous Gyrations in high school was by far the largest musical influence in my life and I'm not sure that the 20thCS would have ever happened without them.

So, it made sense that the three of us would get together to work on a project that Mark had deemed "The Cream of the Pop." We called it Spin The Spin, inspired by the name of an arcade game that Mark, our friend Steve and maybe Mike had played at Towson Town Center. The object of the game was to simply spin the spin.

And so we started writing. The three of us occasionally got together and just jammed on three acoustics, recording every last second of it. Add that to the feverish song writing pace that we were all working at on our own, we ended up having a pool of over a hundred songs or song snippets to work from. We eventually got our buddy Gary to play drums, who ironically would usurp all three of us in songwriting prowess and pace.

We played five or six shows and partially recorded our debut album before Mark moved off to Brooklyn. And now I have stacks and stacks of these song bits saved on my hard drive. Our debut album would have been comprised of three or four songs from each of us. We had recorded the basic tracks for Mark's and my songs, but we never had a chance to start Mike's songs. He wound up recording and releasing "Wanderlust" and "Sing Me A Mountain" on his one and only solo album, but one track, "Perfume," never made its way out to the public. Unfortunately for all of you, this track was the cream of the Spin The Spin cannon. [I've decided to stop italicizing Spin The Spin.]

Fortunately for you, this demo of "Perfume" does exist. Its a short rendition of it. We wound up doing the chorus a few times, and maybe there was a solo or a third verse too.

It was around this time that I remember Mike complaining a lot about how the Goo Goo Dolls had began one of their hit songs with the word "And." He thought that was totally improper and stupid. And what? Who cares about the second part, when you never even told us the first part? I eventually explained it to him that the song was probably a continuation of their last song, as they sounded exactly alike.

Anyhow, the second line in this song ends with an "and," and I think its unbelievably creative. I don't know if he did to set it up as a juxtaposition to the Goo Goo way. As a "Fuck you, Goo Goo Dolls. This is how you do 'and.'" But it would make for amazing lore if he had.

I would rank this song up at the top of the Gittings-penned tunes with "Teacher's Pet," one that will show up on the next Water School album. The melody is really well-defined and clever. And the hooks! Its littered with them. "Fine fine fine....Mine mine mine." "Doo do-do-do doo, doo doo doo..."

This is the one aspect that always suffered in our Water School songs, but we lacked an iconic Sweet Child O' Mine guitar riff, or a Hey Jude "na na na" sing along. "Perfume" would have taken care of the latter, at least.

And try to tell me that you don't smile and snicker a bit at the end of the first verse when he sings "I got high just from standing next to you, sniffing the fumes," and then immediately clarifies them as being "the perfume fumes." I love it!

I have no clue what he's singing about in the second verse but I bet's it sexual. Something about a dentist, embroidery and a tiger.

I should now tell you that this song brings real joy to my heart because its the closest thing that I have to Gooseberry Soda. If I didn't know better, I would think that Mike might have produced the Gooseberry song. Really, its creepy how similar the two songs are. If only Mike would have sung about that black snake in the quarry.

Life After People follow-up

2008-01-24T10:06:00.000-05:00

In conclusion, if Life After People was a question, the answer would be "Yes."

In ten thousand years, after corrosion brought down the bridges and buildings and whatever concrete-disease tore apart the concrete stuff, all of your favorite metropolitan areas would be grassed over and you couldn't even tell that other stuff used to be there. The oceans would be plentifully stocked with marine life. The Hoover Dam and the Great Pyramid would last for eons and Mt. Rushmore might just last forever.

During the final 45 minutes, the special finally divulged the fate of your household cats. Well, as with the dogs, if they were able to make it out of their homes, they'd be thriving eating tiny birds and field mice. And in 150 years, while dogs have resorted back to their primitive wolf ways and formed bear-killing gangs...your kitties would take up in skyscrapers, "and if you want to get really imaginative, I guess cats could follow the path of the flying squirrel and start gliding through the sky." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I began with the conclusion, so now I don't know where to go.

I wish....

2008-01-23T12:45:00.001-05:00

....That someone would rip apart my writing like this.

ISO Geeky Scientists

2008-01-23T09:50:00.000-05:00

So, I was thinking of submitting this entry in Persian but reality got the better of me.

Monday night, I'm embarrassed to say, I TiVo'd my first ever program on the History Channel. It was a two hour special called Life After People. I had seen a magazine ad for it which featured a cougar (like a cat) lying on a grown-over Brooklyn Bridge. I tried and I tried, but it seems like no one has submitted this image to the internet yet. Anyhow, I was dying to know how this cougar got onto this bridge.

I started watching last night and I've made it just beyond the hour mark so far. The idea of the show, obviously, is to show what would happen to Earth if one day all of the humans died off. As per usual, there was some dramatic narrator taking us through this trip, but the narrated bits would be interspersed with some really awkardly geeky scientists making cute jokes and explaining why the nuclear power plants would shut off as part of a fail-safe measure after just a day or two, but how the Hoover Dam would keep doing what its doing for six months to a year, because that's a real well-oiled machine that they have set up out there. The unsettling part about these scientist segments would be how the special effects team would make them appear out of thin air and then disappear once they were done with what they were saying. These scientists were creepily ghostly.

Apparently, its bad news for our dogs, first and foremost. The largest blow to their survival rate would be that most of them would be locked inside of our homes, so after they finished the loaf of bread that you left on the counter, they'd be goners. Or most of them would be. These scientists lead me to believe that a good amount of these dogs would decide to jump through windows or figure out the intricate lock/handle mechanisms on our doors. Its additional bad news if your dog has a short or a really long snout. Apparently, they can't fend for themselves. Your best bet is to have a medium size dog with medium sized features.

They riffed some more about animals. "The big question is whether the zoo animals would figure out a way to get out of their cages." They lauded the pigeon's ability to make ends meet. They said nothing would kill the immortal cockroach. They'd eat books and boxes for the rest of their existence (where existence equals forever!!!!!!).

After they went through the motions with the animals (thankfully neglecting to tell me of the fate of the reptile), they moved onto nature and how the weeds would take over the streets, wildfires would kill Rome and Chicago, trees would grow on the tops of houses and Amsterdam and London would be overcome by water.

The geekiest of all scientists was doing his interview by an abandoned outdoor staircase that had had weeds growing on it for nearly 20 years. Sure it was pretty ratty looking, but it was still obviously a staircase. But not after 200 years! Oh no. Geekman says that it would be "nearly impossible" to recognize this as a staircase. Yeah, except when you trip over it and bust your face up on step 4.

Anyhow, I guess I sorta enjoyed what I've seen so far, but my suspension of disbelief is teetering on unsuspension. They never gave a plausible reason for what would kill off the entire human race overnight, yet would leave every other animal species intact. This wasn't painted as a slow kill, because every home still had a household pet and a loaf of bread on the counter, so that discounts some sort of man-only disease.

So, I'm sorta dumb about Chernobyl and thermo nuclear war and global warming and asteroids, but what could possibly kill us all? Maybe we weren't killed? Maybe we were all abducted, because they didn't show any of our dead bodies. Sure, they showed the same clip of the coyote ripping apart that poor dead dear over and over, but when are they going to get clued in to the fact that they can eat these billions of dead people dudes, too?

Thus I ask you, dear readers, what would the circumstances be of such a life after people because I just don't get it.

I'll let you know if they explain it in the second hour.

Journey To The Center Of Charlottesville

2008-01-19T04:25:00.001-05:00

Its a funny thing what happens to me as soon as I set foot in this Water School van. All I can think about is writing this blog. Every little thing that is said or is witnessed is immediately stored in the RAM of my mind:

Adam makes his first ever "That's what she said" joke and I feel like he's finally one of us.
Eric uncharacteristically [and jokingly] says "Hello ladies!" when some lacrosse girls jog passed the van as we've stopped for gas.
Mike buys a bottle of Diet Mountain Dew with a cap that feels like its been glued on. Eric and I loosened it up, before Adam finally cracked it open.

And here comes my problem. I don't want to say "RAM" again, but my brain doesn't have much RAM, so once I had these three facts stored away, my mind starts steaming and I get dizzy. Its a real condition and I don't know how to stop it.

Plenty of interesting stuff happens to me day in and day out, outside of this van, but I never really feel the need to document it. But as soon as Eric says, "Who packed this thing?," something he says nearly every time that we load up the van with equipment, I knew that I needed to get this all down on paper. And really, I don't know what I'd do without this urge. If I didn't do the tour diary on the first and last Water School coast to coast tour, I would have had a nervous breakdown upon returning home and we wouldn't even be having this conversation right now.

So, here we are, 45 minutes into the trip, just outside of DC. The anticipation says that we're about to hit rush hour traffic and spend the next hour or so sitting still. Adam had a motion to take the long way 'round, which I seconded, but we were locked in a stalemate when Eric and Mike wanted to just go through DC. After a few tie breaking phone calls, we decided on DC. Of course, as we're the area, Mike has just given us the kiss of death by saying, "I don't want to jinx anything, but traffic's looking pretty great!" Sitting around should commence in t minus two paragraphs.

This is the first time that the band has left the comfy confines of Baltimore since early 2006 and the first time since Adam joined the band. Our last of town jaunt was to New York City for a pretty successful show with the Oranges Band. That afternoon as we waited around for two hours for him to arrive to pick us up, we had decided it was time to kick our old drummer, Matt, out of the band. On the drive home, we decided it was as opportune time as ever so we told him then. In We immediately knew it wasn't as opportune as we thought, since we still had about 2 hours left in our trip. Eric pretended to sleep, as Mike and I just made awkward glances at each other.

Stuck in traffic.

How did all of you feel about oral presentations when you were in high school or college? I dreaded them. There were a few classes that on day one, when I received the syllabus, I read that there'd be an oral presentation at the end of the semester. I'd immediately freak out, even though I knew that it was still 4 months away. Then I'd do everything I could to keep it out of my mind, only to find myself waking, crying, screaming in the middle of the night. This is also how I feel about dying.

And driving the band van. I've been in the driver's seat one time since we returned from tour in 2004. I was never good at it, but when you're doing 8 hour drives everyday, each of the four of you need to pull your weight. That said, its already been hinted that we're all going to do some driving on this trip. Gimme a break! No way, bro! You don't want me driving. Especially in a populated area. So, I've been making sure to tell Mike that he's a really good driver every so often, in hopes that he gets a sense of pride from it and wants to do it for the rest of the way. If we can keep him in the driver's seat for the entire trip to Mono Loco [did I mention that we're playing a taco restaurant?], then there's no way that it'll require three drivers to make it 2 and a half hours to get home. Plus I'm going to get trashed on margaritas just for good measure.

And so you have it. We'll see if there's a part two to this or not.

Songtown - Vol. 10 (Eanie Meany)

2008-01-17T13:49:00.000-05:00

Artist: Jim Noir
Song: Eanie Meany
Album: Tower Of Love
Year: 2006

Download

Alright! Let's get down to it! As we've previously discussed, back when I worked at "Traders," we got a lot of promo CDs in it. I usually caught all of the good stuff, but occasionally, I'd leave it up to my co-worker, TambourineMan, to find the ones that slipped through the cracks. Thus, one day he played one of the best CDs of 2006 on the stereo. It was so beautiful, that even after the 5th listen, I still didn't really realize any music was playing. It was just so naturally perfect that I heard it as just being more of a sound of life than anything. I eventually caught on and realized it was this Tower Of Love album by Jim Noir. TambourineMan got dibs on our only copy of the album, so he eventually took it home. But he was gracious enough to keep it around the office for a good six months, so this, a disc from the Nick Lowe boxset, Belle and Sebastian's The Life Pursuit and the Jayhawk's Smile became the official theme music for our office.

Even still, it somehow skipped out of my memory when I compiled my best of list for that year. What was I thinking? I eventually owned it in 2007.

It took me a while to figure out which song I wanted to highlight today since they're all a lot of fun, but I settled on this "Eanie Meany," because its the most repetitive, funny and relateable. Jesus, just tell me how to spell "relatable," someone!!!

If you don't give my football back, I'm gonna get my dad on you
I only kicked it over your fence and broke a silly gnome or two

Eanie meany, run away
Eanie meany run away

You love it, right? I've never read the liner notes but I assume by the nature of the production style, that its this Jim Noir guy playing and singing everything. It just seems appropriate. This is what my music will sound like again one day. Just really nice.

Okay, I have to run. That said, let this song speak for itself. Or better yet, let this music video do the talking:

Joke #1

2008-01-17T12:22:00.001-05:00

What sort of element could a dog discover??

How about ARRRFFFFON???

Mr. Movie

2008-01-16T12:21:00.000-05:00

When I first decided to stop going to class in college, I would fill my newly free afternoons with a matinee or two. Over the course of the next year or two, this blossomed into me attempting to see every major motion picture that would reach Loews White Marsh 16 (the multiplex) or Beltway Movie 6 (the second run cheapo theatre). It didn't matter what they were. I did not discriminate. I saw them all. Practical Magic is about two witchy sisters??! I'll be there! Sphere is about a gigantic magical metallic ball? Count me in! Hard Rain. Dangerous Beauty. Hope Floats. The Borrowers. Wrongfully Accused. Check, check, check, check, check. And that was just Wednesday! Ba-dum-bump.

Anyhow, during that period, I began noting many issues that I had with the common movie-goer, and frankly, probably got a little too snobby over the whole thing. So snobby that I began writing a "Movie Theatre Etiquette" series on a short-lived money-making enterprise called Themestream. I tackled everything from arrival time to how most every concession is uncalled for. A lifelong friend, Junior, called me out on being too much of an ass over the situation, so I stopped typing it. But he couldn't stop me from feeling it.

That said, I don't go to the movies that frequently anymore, so my stance on many of previous pet peeves has been significantly softened. However, there's one that still rings as strong as ever. Seat Placement.

Mathematically and logically, when 40 people all go to see a film in a 300 seat theatre, there is absolutely no reason why you should have to sit directly behind, in front of or next to someone that you didn't go to the theatre with.

Granted, I understand that most people gravitate to the middle of the theatre, so if you were to graph the most popular seats in a movie house, you'd see a large build-up in the middle aisles of the middle rows. That and right next to wherever I decide to sit. Without fail, people love to sit close to me. I've already learned my lesson that I should try to never be the first into a movie theatre. Even if I sit in the far back corner, the other patrons will inevitably think that I know something that they don't know and come and join me.

Last night, I went to see There Will Be Blood and I purposely walked into the theatre after I knew that the bulk of the other people had already chosen their seats. I'm not that picky. I'll sit in the far right corner if I have to, but if I can get away with a slightly better seat, I want to take it. So, I chose a row that for all other intensive purposes (ed: I should say "intents and purposes..."...thanks darnedanalretentivestbloggirl) was probably a little too close to the screen, and I sat in the end seat. The end seat allows me to change location at a later point if things really got out of hand. That said, I'm generally anti-confrontational and I wouldn't want to to make even the most ignorant of moviegoers think that they've done something terribly wrong or have an odor problem of some sort, so I typically resign myself to my fate and stick it out for the long run. Perhaps I think that I'll sit myself into an even worse situation if I were to move.

That said, my seat pick seemed to be perfect. But I should have known better than to think that. Because as the first scene rolled through, a gentleman bundled up in what appeared to be 3 or 4 jackets stood next to my seat, pointing down the aisle, asking if any of those seats were taken. I reluctantly said no and stood up to let him through. Now would be a good time to point out that I was the only person in this aisle. He could have easily navigated to enter at the other end of the row. Alas, the movie had started, so I gave him a free pass for wanting to sit down as soon as possible. Plus, he didn't sit right next to me. He at least gave me a two seat buffer. Although he had 15 other further away seats to chose from, again, I'll give him another free pass.

And thus began the 20 minute ordeal of him (let's call him Loudman) peeling all of his layers off, opening however many bags of candy he had and generally adjusting himself. Good. That's done. Two or three minutes of pure silent bliss followed. Things are looking up.

Until it turned out that Loudman has a bit of a cold. I'm not going to fault anyone for being sick. Lord knows that I've had a chronic cough for the last two months that's probably been irritating everyone's who been unfortunate enough to have a conversation with. That said, I kept my cough in check for the entire twopointfive hour film. Good for me. This guy was another story.

Cough. Sneeze. Blown nose. Hocking throat noise. In the end, the ratio was probably one noise per minute. All dramatically louder than they really should have been. But illness is a force of nature. It wasn't this fella's fault. What was his fault was that after each disruptive sound, he made a point of saying "Ekscuseme" even louder than the noise itself. Cough. Ekscuseme. Sneeze. Ekscuse me. Blown nose. Ekscuseme. Hocking throat noise. Ekscuseme.

It should now be said that at the one hour mark in the film, some other guy came and sat immediately behind me. Did he really not mind missing almost the entire first half of the film? Had he already seen the first half the night before only to have to rush his pregnant wife to the hospital? Or was he escaping an annoying situation that was happening to him further back in the theatre? I gave him the benefit of the doubt and decided it was the latter. [Can you use the words "former" and "latter" when you had previously mentioned more than two thing?]

It was a matter of minutes later when Loudman decided that he might need to go the bathroom or the concession stand. I say "might," because he stood up and walked towards me. I stood up and my seat reached its full upright position, he said something that sounded like simply, "I forgot," turned around and sat back down. He forgot what?

Since I was already standing up, I should have taken this opportunity to relocate, but instead I sat back down in my original seat. Of course, ten minutes later, he remembered, and had to get by me to pop out for a Raisinette or something. I stood up and as each of his ten feet stepped on each of mine, he said, "Ekscuseme." He returned five minutes later, no worse or better for wear, and we did our little dance again.

At this point, I even tried to give IMissedTheFirstHourOfTheMovieBecauseMyWifeHadAChild a knowing glance of "Do you believe this guy?" thinking we might possibly be kindred spirits, but he just ignored me.

I don't know how to end this story.

Songtown - Vol. 9 (This Will Be Our Year)

2008-01-15T10:38:00.000-05:00

Artist: The Zombies
Song: This Will Be Our Year
Album: Odessey and Oracle
Year: 1968
Download

I'm not going to lie and tell you that I don't think that "Auld Lang Syne" isn't a beautiful song. [A lot of negatives there. What exactly am I trying to say?] I don't entirely know what we're singing about. To me, it appears there's a lot of talk about forgetting and maybe dying or something. That said, its got a nice melody and any song where you and 30 of your closest friends and family huddle together in a chorus gets at least a couple points in my book.

That said, sometime in the near future, I'd like to at least give "This Will Be Our Year" a chance to usurp that one.

The warmth of your love's
Like the warmth from the sun
And this will be our year
Took a long time to come...

Don't let go of my hand
Now the darkness has gone
This will be our year
Took a long time to come...

And I won't forget
The way you helped me up when I was down
And I won't forget
The way you said "darling, I love you"
You gave me faith to go on
Now we're there
And we've only just begun
This will be our year
Took a long time to come...

The warmth of your smile
Smile for me, little one
And this will be our year
Took a long time to come...

You don't have to worry
All your worried days are gone
And this will be our year
Took a long time to come...

And I won't forget
The way you helped me up when I was down
And I won't forget
The way you said "darling, I love you"
You gave me faith to go on
Now we're there
And we've only just begun
This will be our year
Took a long time to come...

And this will be our year
Took a long time to come...

You might be saying, "Dude. New Year's was two weeks ago. Why are you just getting around to writing about this song now? Why wasn't this the first song that you wrote about?" Well, that's a valid point and I don't have a real answer for you. So, instead I'll offer this:

Why should we wait until New Year's Eve to sing this one? If it were up to me, we'd be singing this one at the end of every night. There's no better song that paints a picture of hope for the future. Sure, last year sucked, yesterday sucked, whatever time period sucked...but now, we're putting the pieces together and this year is finally gonna be the one. Optimism!

The song is nice and short. The lyrics are simple enough so that if you don't know it, you can watch the words forming on your loved one's lips and figure out where its going. And how about, "Darling, I love you. You gave me faith to go on!"? The vocal performance here is pretty relaxed and calm aside from that line. And lo and behold as that line comes approaching, you won't be able to help yourself from belting it out. All great sing-a-long songs have that moment. The one moment in the song that you that you look forward to from the opening notes. You can just imagine how you and yours will be all smiling at each other as you all raise your voices and ham that part up.

Instrumentally, the Zombies aced this one. The drums and piano play perfect counterpoints to each other, as the guitar and bass subtly fill in the rest of the spectrum. That said, I feel like this would be terribly difficult to replicate so perfectly, so...again...all great sing-a-long songs don't require anything more than a bunch of jokers standing in a circle singing their little hearts out. And this one is perfect for that.

Alright. Maybe I'll have to type up another one of these later on. Because this one...[stage directions: the blogger yanks at his collar with his index finger.]

Songtown - Vol. 8 (Encyclopedi-ite)

2008-01-14T11:05:00.000-05:00

Artist: Sammy
Song: Encyclopedi-ite
Album: Tales Of Great Neck Glory
Year: 1996
Download

I just realized something about this Sammy band this morning. But, first, let's start at the beginning.

In 1996 and the two years leading up to it, I was super-excited that I had the good fortune of living in Overlea, just up the street from my favorite CD store, Record and Tape Trader. Setting aside the facts that this location was to eventually close and I would eventually work for/grow disenchanted with the company and I would eventually not care for the CD format anymore...in 1996, I was in love with finding new music and there was now better place to do it.

On what seemed like every summer afternoon, I would walk to "Traders" and initiate some sort of transaction that would involve me selling back a cardboard box's worth of CDs to them and then proceeding to spend all the money that they just gave me on new music. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. I could hear their collective sighs when I walked through the door. As a buyer, they didn't mind me. I didn't ask a lot of questions. I kept to myself. I spent a lot of money. As a seller, the employees dreaded seeing me, as I was a sign that they'd be spending their next thirty minutes on the phone with the Towson store to figure out how much they should give for each disc. That said, the company, as a whole, probably loved me, because I took great care of my CDs and they could get away with giving me $2 for a CD that I paid $12 for last month, which then they'll turn and sell for $8 next week. The sad part was that it would more than likely be me re-buying the CD, after reflecting and realizing that my financial situation wasn't as dire as it seemed and that I couldn't possibly live without Dr. Feelgood.

So, I resent the implication that my 27 year old self might need to sit down with a financial advisor, but my 16 year old self? Not so much.

I haven't outgrown this process of buying and quickly selling my CDs, but at least now I have iTunes and the mp3 format, so I preserve digital copies of every album that I've owned over the last four years, at least. The archiver part of me kicks me for not having discovered mp3s in 1992, however.

One such CD is Sammy's Tales of Great Neck Glory. Bought it. Loved it. Sold it. Re-bought it for a penny off of Amazon. So not a terrible arc.

Each time I was at Traders, I would thumb through each and every rack to make sure that I hadn't missed something yesterday. One fateful day, as I flipped through the S placard, I found this CD with a couple mop-topped dudes on it, with a little sticker that [I thought] said "Featuring former members of GBV." I had recently started listening to Guided By Voices, as they were apparently the godfathers of indie rock. I didn't necessarily care for GBV that much, but it had taken stickers with a lot less intrigue to convince me to buy other albums. So, of course, I was going to buy this one.

I took it up and was surprised that it was a thoroughly enjoyable listen. I loved the first five or six songs, and then from there, it all becomes murky. The album as a whole is a little or a lot monotonous. There aren't really any bad songs, but if you've heard one, you know what the second, third and fourth ones are going to sound like.

And I feel bad for saying this, because every single mention of Sammy on the internet mentions it, but it would be a disservice if I didn't note that they're a poor man's Pavement. The music is a lot smoother and the lyrics, for the most part, don't ever come close to matching that abstract brilliance of Malkmus, but nonetheless...Pavement For Babies. That said, most of these reviews use this relation as Strike One, Strike Two and Strike Three against the band. I think that's going a little overboard. Granted, the reviews were written at a time when a lot of bands were trying to steal the Pavement sound, so the reviewers were probably just really fed up with it all. So, maybe they've returned to Tales of Great Neck Glory and can now listen to it as just an album of however many pretty good songs.

"Encyclopedi-ite" is one of the three or four standout tracks. The lyrics revolve around the narrator's obsession with some know-it-all smarty-pants. If the music and melody wasn't so peppy and fun, a typical listener would probably report this song to the authorities upon hearing it. You see, it sounds like Dude is friends with this Encyclopedi-ite, but everytime they hang out, "[she] always gave him the tour/he never gets to explore." So this leads the dude to break into the girl's room so that he can "absorb like a sponge/everything that [she's] done." Or maybe I'm reading too far into it? Maybe its less creepy? Maybe its just his brother or something and he's sick of living in his shadow? You decide!

Let me live your life, Encyclopedi-ite
Don't turn out the light

Yeah, he's a creep. No doubt.

And now to what I've just found out this morning. None of these guys have ever been in Guided By Voices. That stickers said ""Featuring former members of GVSB" instead. Girls vs. Boys. I hated that band and even my pitiful 16 year old suffer wouldn't have been suckered into buying this album if he had read that correctly.

Financial Advisor

2008-01-10T14:05:00.001-05:00

Typically, the tellers at my bank are very friendly and they go about their business in a "If you don't talk to me, I won't talk to you" kind of way. The way I like it.

That's why it was weird today, when at the end of our transaction, my teller asked "Would you like to sit down with one of our financial advisors?" in a hushed voice of speaking. Except she said it so quietly, that I responded with what, in retrospect, was an over-the-top "What?!?" She repeated herself. I smiled and said no. Then with an incredulous frown, she asked, "Are you sure?" I repeated my answer. And that was it.

Do you think the powers-that-be are pushing all tellers to ask this now? Or do they put red flags on the accounts of people who's balance stays quid pro quo no matter what calendar month or year it is? Or is it because my previous transaction was giving $xxxx.xx to a credit card company? Is it because I believe that x is a number?

No. More than likely it was because the check I was cashing today was for the amount of $2.99. It was a rebate check for some Motrin that I'm sure either my mother or grandmother bought and sent into the rebate center in my name and address, knowing that every little bit helps in a young gent's life. This happens frequently enough that I've stopped asking questions when a mysterious check for a couple dollars shows up in my mailbox and instead just thank the rebate gods for the extra income.

Songtown - Vol. 7 (Kitty Can)

2008-01-10T11:31:00.001-05:00

Artist: The Bee Gees
Song: Kitty Can
Album: Idea
Year: 1968
Download

As a kid, I would cringe whenever my mother would talk about or listen to the Brothers Gibb. They were just some lame ass high-singing disco band with ridiculously poofy hair. Tom Petty, Cat Stevens, Jackson Browne. I could get down with them, but I never understood her fascination with the Gibbs, or with Neil Diamond for that matter. So now, it only makes sense that I listen to the Bee Gees more than I listen to the Beatles.

First off, let's look at how these guys have aged phsyically. Not well, I'm afraid. I just typed up an exposé on how the bros have turned from goofy cute to extremely creepy over the last 40 years, but it was suffering royally, so I ix-nayed that route/route. But do a Google search and you'll see that Barry used to be a bonafide heartthrob in early years, even through the disco era. And that Robin...well, that dude is simply very interesting to look at.

Anyhow, the song. "Kitty Can" comes off of their third album, Idea, a period when they were just the poor man's Fab Three.

Man, do I still have to type about this song? I've now been listening to this song for an hour straight, and I still love it, but man...I'd love to hear something else. Alright, I'll trudge through.

I should note that this is not the "album version," but instead an exquisite alternate mix made available on a reissue from a couple years ago. I won't go into the differences, but there's a lot more going on in this version. Some horns. Some more violin. Some nonsensical whispering and vocaling.

So, the drums. Listen to these drums. When they first enter the verse, you think that something has gone terribly wrong and the drummer most definitely fucked up. But no, he's just doing something interesting! When I learn to play drums as a middle aged man, I'll play this one first.

The song tells the age-old story of a guy who's trying to decide between two girls. The first verse harps on Kitty. The narrator thinks that Kitty is the bees knees, except maybe that he lets his emotions get a little too wound up in hers:

When Kitty smiles, the world stands still
I see a thousand golden daffodils
But when she cries, the world just dies
I see a million tears in Kitty's eyes

There's nothing better than when Kitty is happy, but when she's not, oh God, it just hurts so much. And then there's the second verse which is all about Eve. Eve is a nightmare.

Now Eve is bad and treats me cruel
She loves to see me looking like a fool
I find a way with words I say
To be in love in such a lonely way

She's exactly the type of person you want to keep away from. There's no redeeming qualities here. The choruses further drive home the idea that Eve shouldn't even be spoken about in the same song as Kitty. "Eve never pleases me and Kitty can." Which makes the last verse particularly complexing:

Now they are two and I am one
I cannot fall in love with everyone
So I must choose between the two
Made up my mind, now I am choosing you

How could you even be confused? Eve is the devil. She's an awful human being. A trainwreck. Kitty offers everything to you! Sure, she gets sad sometimes and since you're so in love with her, you can't help but magnify the situation, but come on! Get over it, Barry!

And look at that last line of the third verse. " Made up my mind, now I am choosing you." Are you singing to "you" simply because it rhymes with "two" or is there some deeper meaning here? You couldn't possibly be thinking about choosing Beevesabub, could you? I know. You won't be the first and you won't be the last to settle down with someone who does nothing but berates you. But that typically comes from desperation. Why would you be so desperate? Are you already married to Eve? What's wrong with Kitty? Is she dying? Is she married? Are you two related?

Or could the "you" be a third? Is there someone else in the picture?

I'm not entirely sure when I stopped talking to the readers and started yelling at Barry Gibb.

Songtown - Vol. 6 (Master Jack)

2008-01-09T15:25:00.000-05:00

Artist: Four Jacks & A Jill
Song: Master Jack
Album: Master Jack
Year: 1968

Boy oh boy. I love this song. This one appeared to me about a year ago, when I bought Hard To Find 45s on CD, Volume 6: More 60s Classics. I don't need to explain anything about this CD, because the title says it all. I bought this collection solely to get the original version of "Witchi Tai To," which we've already talked about. As with all of the world's greatest gifts, they come attached to other stuff even better. Yeah yeah yeah. Anyhow, this collection had some classics that I already know like "Walk Away Renee," "Lightning Strikes" and "(Just Like) Romeo and Juliet." But then there are the ones that WQSR never bothered to archive. Like "Master Jack."

This one seems like the type of song that the White Stripes would have rough and rolled their way through as a b-side at some point, but fortunately, I don't think they've gotten around to it, yet. So for now, it can just be yours and mine.

Four Jacks and a Jill is the name of the band. Internet research has told me that the band was formed in 1962 as The Nevadas. Back then, it was just a couple of Jacks not actually named Jacks. They later changed their name to The Zombies, not to be confused with the American Zombies. Shortly thereafter, Glenys Lynne Mynott came along and they wisely changed their name to the Four Jacks and A Jill. I say "wisely" simply because I'm in love with this band name. And I'm even more in love with the band name PLUS the fact that "Master Jack" is the only song that I'll likely ever hear by them. It just seems perfect.

You'll find that the less I know about a band, the more I'll try to create my ideal false reality regarding them. If you can, strike the last paragraph from the record.

In 1966, big game hunter Jack Richmond decided to try his hand at music production. He invited four orphaned teenage boys named Jack (Bilff, Leckerson, Tonlinky, Mookus) and a girl named Jill Poaklyn up to his estate to "help out." Well, it was all fun and game [sic] for all of a weekend before Master Jack starting pushing them to sing him a bunch of songs that he had written from their perspective. All in return for the food and shelter that he provided. And so went the next seven years. The young ones resented Master Jack, but with time, they grew to secretly admire him. Even if his unrequited love for Jill was a bit creepy.

Finally, when they reached their twenties, Master Jack let them out into the world. As their final gift to the Master, they performed this song that they had written in his honor. You can sense the tension, but in the end, the good outweighed the bad, and they had to thank him. And you know what? That Jill might just be a little in love with Master Jack.

Epilogue: Their next single was to be called "Mr. Nico" and that's not even part of my false reality. I have to track down this song.

Neverending String Dream 2008

2008-01-09T11:42:00.000-05:00

This won't be long, but I've decided to create an ongoing tally of how many instances of the "never ending string" dream that I have. To catch you up, I wrote about this in a myspace blog two summers ago...

"I have two recurring dreams. Neither are very dreamy. One is frustrating, and the other is also frustrating. Not sure which one is which.

The first starts with me discovering a seemingly small piece of string/floss/rope (thickness varies) in my mouth. As I start to pull it out of my mouth, its revealed that it actually extends down my throat. I pull and it is longer than I think it is. In fact, I never find out how long it is. It just keeps coming. I wrap it around my hand and snap it off at a certain point and try to return it how I found it, but unfortunately, it constantly bothers me, so I keep going back to pull on it. It becomes very embarrassing and I do my best to hide the fact to anyone who comes around. I use my other hand to block what I'm doing. That sort of thing. Very frustrating."

Well, the dream continues to pop up once every month or two.

Last night was its first appearance of 2008. This time it was trying to mask itself as a different dream, but I saw through it. I had bubblegum stuck to every tooth on the left side of my mouth. I would pull at it and it would stretch out of my mouth but it would not break away from my teeth. The more I pulled, the more gum appeared and the less I could keep it contained inside of my mouth. As per usual, no one actually noticed, although I continued to shield my mouth and I spent a lot of time in stairwells.

Yeah yeah, I have some secrets or something.

Each time that I have this dream, I inevitably Google it the next day and it scares me that other people have pretty much the same dreams as me. How is that possible? Was there a movie about this that I was unaware of watching and hence has got stuck in my mind?

What's a bit more odd (and can also be chalked up to my bad memory and how I never use the same search criteria) is that my Google search never results in the same pages. Each time, I find new instances. This time, they're not exact matches, but related nonetheless...

You don't really have to read this or this .

Neverending String Dream Tally 2008: 1

I posted this just in case I don't get a chance to listen to a song today.

Songtown - Vol. 5 (Did I Say)

2008-01-08T15:18:00.000-05:00

Artist: Teenage Fanclub
Song: Did I Say
Album: Four Thousand Seven Hundred and Sixty-Six Seconds: A Shortcut To Teenage Fanclub
Download

In an unprecedented move, this week, I'll be attempting to only reminisce about three-syllabled songs that end with an -ay sound. If I can successfully navigate to this goal, I'll buy everyone a meal at Chile's!

So, you had to figure it was only a matter of time before I started breaking out the Teenage Fanclub. I fear that I use to talk about this band way too much, so I've attempted to distance myself from them over the last few years. But rest assured, they're still probably my favorite of the still-going variety.

In 2003, the Fannies released a career retrospective. Retrospectives are the wave of the future as fewer and fewer bands are writing great hits. Although this release boasted a few remixed and remastered tracks, in addition to a Pink Floyd-esque sleeve, the real draw were the three new tracks. One from each of the chief songwriters. Raymond McGinley continued to improve his songwriting with "The World'll Be OK." Gerry Love continued to coast on cruise control with "Empty Space." But Norman Blake took it to the next level with "Did I Say."

I remember taking some sort of Beatles appreciation class at CCBC-Essex where the topic turned to love songs within one of the first few sessions. It was brought to my attention that it took the Beatles something like five albums before they wrote a song that wasn't about love. On a grander scale, this is obviously true in terms of pop music in general. 99 out 100 songs are going to be about love. But it wasn't until that class, that I fully comprehended this reality. It also made me feel a little better about my own songwriting. I feared that I was becoming a bit too one-note, and probably had, but I could now

That's why it was weird when Teenage Fanclub released 2005's Man-Made and Norman didn't have one song about love on there. Later, I read an interview with him where he said that he thought he had written enough love songs (read: nearly every single song before this album). So, as of this moment, this means that "Did I Say" is the last love song that he'll ever write. I'm sure he's already returned to the topic, but, if not...

This is the ideal last love song. Its a simple reflection upon the blossoming of his marriage...or something. "Hey, did I say that I smiled when I first heard your name? Fell in love and now I still feel the same way." How semi-precious is that?

The production is just gorgeous on this one. The harmony never leaves the lead vocal's side. The piano and string sounds are ones that I'd never be able to reproduce. Those rolling snare fills all over the place. This makes me feel like riding a horse.

And what time signature is this in? I once spent a whole afternoon driving around listening to this on repeat, attempting to "teetee ta ta" my way through it. Once a song isn't 3/4 or 4/4 anymore, I lose track almost immediately. I know that I write songs and I know that I once studied math, but, really, no clue. Please, someone make me feel like an idiot.

Songtown - Vol. 4 (Once A Day)

2008-01-07T16:22:00.000-05:00

Artist - The Triffids
Song - Once A Day
Album - In The Pines
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So, I spent two years working at a record store. During my tenure, I took home at least a thousand promotional copies of new CD releases. At first, it was mainly stuff that I had been anticipating or had least been told to look into. It wasn't long until I started taking anything home that featured letters from any of my favorite alphabets. I'd drop it into iTunes immediately and figured the good stuff would find its way to the top eventually.

Then came the day that they finally issued reissues of two of the The Triffids albums. Except that I had no clue who The Triffids were and frankly, still don't. I've never listened to the two albums in their entirety and I've come to enjoy a couple of the songs that have popped up on the iPod while in Shuffle mode.

I think was a sticker on one of the cases that said they were an influential band from 1980s New Zealand or something. That's the extent of what I know about them. And at this point, a year later, I'd like to keep it that way. After I finally heard "Once A Day," I convinced myself that this was their only song.

The song seems like its obviously a cover song, but I've never heard the original. Although I love the song, I've decided to not research its origins. I think its a much more romantic idea just to imagine that it was a bunch of kids (I also like to pretend that they were and still are in seventh grade) from New Zealand that had written it. I dream that one of their dads worked as a janitor at the local watering hole and that he somehow convinced the owner to allow his boy's band to play a Sunday night gig for the regulars. The owner's one stipulation was that his daughter Pagoda had to sit in on the violin. [And she nailed it!]

With my previous false reality established that this was their first and only song, my story continues that this song comprised the entire set. [The story is foggy from there, but its possible that they might have played this one multiple times.] The crowd gives them some ironic applause, hoots and hollers ("Look at these kids trying to sing about heartache!") as the song starts up. But upon the arrival of the first chorus when the rest of the band starts belting out the response to the janitor son's call, you can really start feeling the irony turn into pure adoration, and by the final chorus, you'll hear the entire pub screaming that response.

My favorite part is in the third verse (nearly a carbon copy of verse two) when Janiboy switches out "I'm so glad I'm not like a friend I knew one time" with "I'm so glad I'm not like this wino I knew one time." What does a 13 year old know about winos??!? It doesn't matter. This boy's got himself a broken heart.

Pagoda!

Songtown - Vol. 3 (Rest Of My Life)

2008-01-04T11:23:00.000-05:00

Artist - Sloan
Song - Rest Of My Life
Album - Action Pact
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My first Sloan album was Navy Blues, and since that purchase, my life has been a better place. I quickly went back into their catalog and picked everything up, becoming a so-called fanatic. As with all of the great bands that employ three or four great songwriters, it takes me forever to figure out who is who. Not because they don't all have very distinct voices, but for some reason I go after the melodies and song structures first and then once I return to the vocalists, I'm thoroughly miffed. I remember struggling as a young teen to tell the difference between Lennon and McCartney, and especially Lennon and Harrison. Now, it all seems so obvious, but back then, I really had to do some research.

And so the story goes for Sloan. What did Chris Murphy sound like? Patrick Pentland? Jay Ferguson? It wasn't until I saw my first Sloan concert, that I finally began to figure it out. And you're telling me that Andrew Scott, the drummer, even sings a few songs? This is getting too out of hand.

Well, I worked it out. I'm still unsure as to how to describe Andrew's voice. Patrick is the token acquired taste. Jay is the one with the high range. And Chris, as it goes with Chrises, is the one that sings all of the really clever stuff.

Which brings us to Rest Of My Life. This Chris Murphy has a way of writing songs about anything as if he was the first ever to write about it. Granted, in a lot of cases (which I'm sure will be the topic of future blogs), he is actually the first to write about it, or at least the first in a long, long time.

So, here's this song. This isn't the cleverest of his songs, I know, so I shouldn't have promised "clever." There are plenty of songs written by twenty/thirty-somethings wondering whether they're finally gonna grow up and settle down or if they're destined to be bip-bopping well into the rest of their life. But this one is so good, that I can't think of any other songs about it. So, for all intensive purposes, this is the only one. And why shouldn't it be?

One thing I know about the rest of my life,
I know that I'll be living it in Canada

This other Chris' references to his home country and provinces rivals only my propensity to name check Baltimore in at least every third song. So obviously, I'm going to be a sucker for lyrics like that.

But that's only part of a verse. The verse is solid. It's not mind-blowing, but it clues you into the fact that something special is about to happen. And that something's name is the CHORUS.

There are two verses and and an early bridge that eventually warps itself into the middle of future choruses. But really, this song is just the chorus over and over.

Am I gonna settle down?
Am I gonna be
Someone who has to take the rest of my life to settle down?
Then I guess you caught me lying to myself

So, there's a common theme developing in this Songtown feature, which I'll try to be conscience to avoid returning to everyday, but...does this song need any more lyrics? No f'n way, man. The lyrics are perfect and the fact that each and every chorus is slightly different is totally awesome. I'm sure the three other band members were cursing him for writing the least straight-forward verse/chorus/verse song of all time, but whatever, man!

I'm not actually typing this for someone called "man."

If there was a "man," it would be this guy who's like a hybrid of Gary B and Mark O'D (if they learned how to sap the energy from a song):

And since I don't want to type anymore, here's Sloan's video for the song, which is a real treat, especially after that last one. In fact, it'd be a real injustice if you didn't click the play button.

New Delicious Word

2008-01-03T09:57:00.000-05:00

Imagine this.

desert \ˈde-zərt\ noun - a desolate or forbidding area
dessert \di-ˈzərt\ noun - a usually sweet course or dish usually served at the end of a meal
forest \ˈfär-əst\ noun - a dense growth of trees and underbrush covering a large tract
forrest \'fər-ˈēst\ noun - a usually chalky variety or collection of after-dinner mints/gums

Songtown - Introduction and #1 (The French Inhaler)

2008-01-02T12:06:00.000-05:00

Hi again. So my plan for this year was that I would countdown my 260something favorite songs of all time. Once a weekday, I'd riff on one particular song and maybe why its made my life better.

I've adjusted this plan a tiny bit since its inception. First off, there's no way that I could put these songs into an sort of definitive order, so it wouldn't be a countdown. Secondly, I'm not going to force myself to write one everyday. So, there won't necessarily be 260some of them. And I won't necessarily stop on December 31st. It might end in February or it might continue forever, as long as I keep liking songs. And finally, some days, I'll riff on more than one song. Perhaps an entire album or a trilogy of songs that I feel go hand in hand with each other. "Hand in hand," "hand and hand," or both??

Without further ado, I decided that the first song obviously had to be the one that shares its name with this blog...

Artist: Warren Zevon
Title: The French Inhaler
Album: Warren Zevon
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My fascination with Warren Zevon began in 2002. I had known "Werewolves of London" and I had inherited my uncle's Excitable Boy LP, but had never listened to it. In addition, he was always the guy that would fill in for Paul Schaffer on The Late Show With David Letterman whenever Paul would take a vacation. He seemed like a real character and he'd say a lot of weird stuff that only he and Dave seemed to find the humor in. He generally seemed like my kind of guy.

Still, I didn't explore anymore of his music until Fall 2002, when I read that Zevon had been diagnosed with mesothelioma and that he had six months left to live. In November, Letterman invited him onto the Late Show as the guest. The only guest. Letterman spent the monologue talking about how good of a friend Zevon had been and how he was one of the greatest songwriters of all time. Then Zevon came out for one of the saddest interviews I've ever watched and also played three or four songs. It was awesome. The next day, I bought his greatest hits collection and from that point on, he was my Bob Dylan.

Warren Zevon seemed like someone that my mother should have introduced me to years earlier. He ran around with the Eagles and Jackson Browne, two of her favorites, and at his best, wrote songs every bit as good as Browne, Frey and Henley. That said, she missed the Zevon train for some reason or another, which forced me to find him on my own.

I'm not saying that he doesn't have plenty of rough patches in his catalog, but when he's on, he's on fire. That said, his voice would probably be placed in the Acquired Taste category, so I've held back in terms of promoting him to my friends, for the most part. Until now! Plus, most would describe my tastes as having gone off the deep end in the past few years, so they'd most certainly scoff at me with Boy Who Cried Dylan incredulation, anyhow.

"The French Inhaler" didn't pop out at me immediately when I first heard that collection. "Poor Poor Pitiful Me," "Excitable Boy," and "A Certain Girl" took me by the hand immediately, so TFI had to wait its turn before it truly made its impact.

I don't have a particular talent for breaking down songs enough to tell you specifically what they're about, but this one sounds pretty simple. The age old tale of one too many nights at that old Hollywood bar with all of the other horny, down-and-out, out-of-work actors and musicians. Zevon is the master of turning his narrators into the saddest of sacks and paints Hollywood as the most depressing town in all of the world. Yet, it makes me want to move there.

When the lights came up at two, I caught a glimpse of you
And your face looked like something Death brought with him in his suitcase
Your pretty face looked so wasted
Another pretty face devasted

Acquired taste or not, when the Eagles harmonize that bit behind him, there are zero alternatives to those shivers.

I've always been fascinated with pop songs that have no discernible verse/chorus pattern, yet each part is so fantastic that it sounds like you're listening to a four minute refrain. He only repeats two lines. He returns to the opening line once, "How you gonna make your way in the world, woman, when you weren't cut out for working?" And then for last line, "So Long, Norman," he sings it twice because it makes the most sense musically, plus he must have known that I love that sort of thing. Its only just now that I've figured out who Norman is.

I've become pretty awful at lyric retention in recent times, so it was to my surprise when I picked up my guitar last night and played this one all the way through, having never attempted it previously. Sure, nothing repeats itself, but it all makes sense. Each part and each lyric logically leads into the next.

Anyhow, listen to this thing and maybe come back tomorrow!

My New Sketch Show

2008-01-02T11:00:00.000-05:00

If I was in the business of running and operating a Sketch Comedy show, most of it would be modern internet based humor.

The first sketch would be about this guy, JoJo Maclius. When he signed up for his first hotmail account in 1997, he tried to register jojomaclius@hotmail.com, only to have the hotmail system tell him that address had already been registered and that maybe he would rather like one of the following addresses:

jojomac@hotmail.com
jojojojojo@hotmail.com
maclius1jojo@hotmail.com
jojomaclius1997@hotmail.com

Of course, JoJo picks jojomaclius1997, because it says everything about him! Come Jan1, 1998, JoJo realizes that he's made a horrible mistake. So, he prints out his address book and manually retypes them into his "My New Email!!!" email upon registering jojomaclius1998@hotmail.com. Cue credits!

My other sketch would be exactly the same, except JoJo would be 22 years old and decide that jojomaclius22@hotmail.com would be more his style. Cue credits!

Jojo Mac is gonna get spambotted like wildfire once they track down this blog!

The Archives - About Being Happy and How To Get Around It

2007-12-27T14:12:00.001-05:00

Myers Archives Vol. 1
Twentieth Century Styles
About Being Happy And How To Get Around It

Download album

All it takes is one person (read: Colmus) to express interest in my earlier works and I'm ready to plaster it all over town.

First up, we'll delve into Twentieth Century Styles. In 1998, I tired of the band thing and* decided to start playing more solo shows and* recording little demos and* albums on my 4-track, which eventually morphed into a Tascam 488 MKII 8-track tape machine. Thus began 20thCS. The initial concept was to record and release one album per month for the rest of my life. I'll tell you some other time how this idea played out, but let's start and stay in May 1999 for this tale, where everything worked out just as planned. All 8 of the Tascam's tracks worked flawlessly and I was primed for a real lo-fi career.

For the most part, I would write the songs as I recorded them, with the exception of a few songs that I had demoed throughout the earlier months. I'd set-up a metronome track, then lay down an acoustic guitar or a simple bass-type line on the keyboard (I didn't own a bass, so I depended solely on the western most keys to provide the bump), thus creating a really basic verse/chorus/verse type song structure. From there, I'd layer 4 or 5 additional keyboard or acoustic guitar lines overtop. Occasionally, those melodies would conflict with each other, but I didn't care and just figured that I'd "fix it in the mix."

Then, I'd move onto the vocals. Mostly, I was still in the business of writing the girl songs, albeit with lyrics a bit more abstract than what I'm working with these days. This was the part of my life when I was first learning about harmonies and how much they could turn an okay song into a hit. So I went to town recording as many harmonies, ooohs and aaaahs that I could think of. As you'll be able to pick out, some were much more successful than others.

The next step was always the most difficult. The drums. The only portion where it wasn't totally in my hands. Fortunately, Gary B was gracious enough to agree to play the skins for these songs. [As a side, you must understand that during this period, Gary wasn't the easiest person to get to do anything. This was around the time that while at a surprise birthday party for our buddy Eric, he infamously blurted out, "I don't even want to be here," for Eric and most of his family to hear. Not coincidentally, this is also around the time when we all fell madly in love with him.] So, we scheduled an afternoon where I took the tape machine to his family's home. I had given him a tape of the tracks a few days earlier, but all of the songs were still fairly unfamiliar territory to him. He was a gamer though and I sat around as he went through each of the eight tracks and wrote a part for them. The other problem, with which is something that I still suffer, is that I have no clue how to record drums. I set up some crappy mics in all of the obvious [read: wrong] places and again, I figured that I could fix any problems in the mix. In the end, it sounds like a few of those microphones were a little too close to the cymbals, so occasionally, you'll be treated to an excruciating sound or two.

I've now made two references to "fixing it in the mix," neglecting to let you know that I don't know anything about mixing either. After I re-did a vocal or two, I spent an evening mixing the album, whilst printing out the dumb artwork I had thrown together using Corel Draw. The next day, I was dubbing copies and driving around town to give them to my friends. It became a tradition that I'd stop at Mike's house, followed by Mark's...staying long enough to listen to the album with each of them.

It should be said that six months later when I learned how to transfer tapes to my computer, I re-released this and the subsequent albums on compact disc. In addition to the new format, I re-recorded a part or two and remixed everything. They sounded a little better, but still not great. I imagine that one day, I'll find the motivation to buy a working Tascam 488 (spoiler: my tape machine sucks now) and transfer these tracks to Cubase and release my Definitive Edition of these classics. I'll probably do some George Lucas shit to the songs too and piss everyone off.

Without further ado, I present to you About Being Happy and How To Get Around It. These are the CD mixes. And I'll be live blogging as I listen to each song! To download any of the songs individually, Ctrl/Right Click on the song title and click on "Save Target/Link As" or click here to download the entire album in a nice zipped format.

The King's Theme

For reasons that I can't remember, I started recording these instrumental "themes" for characters that I had not yet created who came from the Mystical Land Of Garbagio, a fictional place that had inspired a crash-and-burn solo tape that I had recorded a year earlier. The idea was to record one or two themes for each tape, all eventually leading up to some really bad concept album and/or, if I remember correctly, a cable access television show. In the end, I think I recorded about 10 themes, but that concept album is last in line behind all of the other concept albums (the haunted house album, the numbers album, space album II, etc.) that I plan to finish eventually. Anyhow, the "King" seemed like a good easy character name with which to start. This is one of two songs that doesn't employ real drums. Oh and listen closely to hear it when the fake horns starting doing a round of "B-I-N-G-O."

Out For Good

This one was always Mark's favorite track. Purposely, I set this up as the opening track as it starts with the line "The story's set in a distant land," which hints at this mystical land, of which I've previously spoken. This is a love song, but it doesn't really dwell on it as per my usual fare. There's some woe-is-me in the chorus, but for the most part, it doesn't get too out of control. The opening verse sets up the idea of the Sun's wife leaving him for some other star. So, the Sun decides he doesn't feel like shining anymore, which sets up a chain reaction that leads to all sorts of awful awful things! So, yeah, there's a lot of space talk in here, in addition to a Thriller reference.

A Midnight's Terror

I was seemingly in love with this song. I later re-recorded a stripped down acoustic version of it for the space album, and released the 4 track demo of it on my fake rarities disc. In retrospect, its okay, but not the bees knees. Speaking of bees, I do love that buzzing saw sound that I made on my keyboard. I sing "not near enough" during the bridge...which I stole directly from R.E.M.'s "Near Wild Heaven" off of Out Of Time. Same lyrics, same melody. On the demo, I do recall that I sang the verse with more of a deep David Bowie voice thing.

Officer Web Joins Up

Unlisted track! This was the one experimental song on the album and I thought I would hate it by now. But as I'm listening to it, its making me smile. There's a good deal of sped up keyboard, backwards tape tricks and some chipmunky voices doing a lot of laughing and mumbling something about the Mystical Land of Garbagio. The centerpiece of the song, of course, is a segment from the "Officer Web" phone message. A few years earlier, when an old band, Emma, did some recording at ACR Studios, our engineer, Craig Bowen, gave us this really funny answering machine message as a bonus track when he made us a disc of our mixes. I forget its exact history, but I guess this lady accidentally left this message on ACR's machine, as opposed to the courthouse or wherever. This lady sounds like she's gone through some tough times, but she's pretty funny nonetheless, even if I have no idea what she's going on about. Something about a dirty cell, her will, a conspiracy involving hearing loss and her dead niece Melody. I hope you enjoy it.

Wasted

Here's the ballad! The harmonies step on each other a bit, but hold up a lot better than anything else on this album. This is your over-the-top, heart-on-the-sleeve desperation story of a fella that lives his whole life pining for the one that got away, assuming that she's leading a miserable married life. Dude's life is so meaningless, that death doesn't even come to bother him! My favorite line is "You never saw the bulls in Spain or the Italians there in Rome." Or maybe its "The sprinkler sprinks..." The tri-dueling guitar/organ/otherkeyboard solo section is pretty groovy too. This song is also the owner of the most out of place "Look out!" in the history of pop music.

The Dumb One

I think Gary was delirious by the time that we recorded this one, so this drum beat is a lot less straight forward than the rest. It used to not make sense to me, but now it sounds perfect. Sometimes when I say "You're the dumb one," it sounds a lot like "You're the Don Juan." I bet that I thought that I was really clever and/or worldly when I wrote, "Your laissez-faire was laissez-pas."

Robert Sir

Oh, Robert Sir. I have no clue what sort of person would ever be called "Robert Sir," but I sang about him anyhow. Here's the one where I totally went hog-wild with backing vocals and left/right panning. I remember this song being heavily inspired by the Herman's Hermits "Silhouettes," although I can't really understand how anymore. The age-old tale of stealing your best mate's girl and not even feeling too bad about it. The fact that Dude's name was Robert Sir probably softened the blow. This is one of my favorites of the 20thCS canon. My buddy Todd gave an oral presentation in college that involved playing this recording for the class, and I often times wonder what he was thinking. My choice line: "She makes my insides fall to pieces. That ain't smart, but you're a genius too, for leaving her alone with me." I think there was an alternate live performance lyric, where instead of "That's a dream, not an obstacle," I'd say "I'm a boy, not a popsicle."

Everyday Tonight

I wrote this one specifically to win the Conan O'Brien College Band competition. Of course, its easily the worst song on the album. Its another in a series of Myers songs that deal in such vague generalities and outlandish metaphors that I couldn't even begin to explain what its about. The narrator is aggravated about something. "A fresh mile, a fresh smile, a fresh style" hints at the idea that I probably wanted this to become the 20thCS Anthem. I never submitted it for any competition.

My Arms True

Another song that I had initially thought was a lot better than it really is. All of the chord changes in the verse probably incapacitated me and put that thought in my head. Again, no clue what this one is about. "Singing love songs to my sheets." I'd like to say that my over-the-top chorus vocals were meant to be ironic, but I'm just not sure anymore. The end is pretty cool when it gets all acoustic punk rock.

Dos and Don'ts (Predominately Don'ts)

A clever title, I'll tell you that much. I didn't like this one that much, but then Gary B, Matt Dahl and Mike Apichella loved it so much that I began to think better about it. The line that won over Gary and Matt: "Today, my world has felt a terror shock." Mike Ap: "Girl, where's your mother? I'd like to talk to her about your attitude." I love the ton of that keyboard solo and that its insanely long.

The tape ended with a reprise of the King's Theme.
I think it was just a little slower.

----------------

As a bonus, here's an essay that Gittings wrote about it shortly thereafter its release. You might note how the setting sun is still a common theme in my songwriting, even eight years later.

Detours on the Road to Happiness:
The Setting Sun and Other Circles in Twentieth Century Styles

A Critical Essay
By Mike Gittings

Twentieth Century Styles’ album About Being Happy and How to Get Around It is an album about heartbreak. Yet it is ingeniously structured to suggest a solution to romantic conflict, a brighter side around the corner, without the contrived sappiness of many other modern pop albums. In fact, the very name Twentieth Century styles suggests a sort of circular, enigmatic structure that is also present in many of this first album’s metaphors and textures as well. With the Styles’ use of terms reminiscent of Arthurian legend, such as the reference to Sir Christopher Myers and the decidedly medieval “King’s Theme,” the group is at the same time modern and medieval. A similar schism appears throughout the album in such songs as “Wasted” and “Hmmm…(aka Dumb One),” where heartwrenching lyrics are set to major-key ear-pleasers, making the album truly simultaneously about both “Being Happy” and “Getting Around It.”

Elsewhere, the album’s scope functions in similarly complex ways. The first words of the album, “The story’s set in a distant land,” suggest an emotional and situational distance that is present literally, yet absent figuratively. The personification of the sun, moon, and stars in this song energizes the Styles’ juxtaposition of human and cosmic worlds, and sets up the problematic connection between the two, given the beauty that the humans see in the turmoil of the stars. It is not until the end of “Out for Good” that the circle is complete and the cosmic problems are thrust upon the earth in the form of darkness.

Similarly, the Styles posit a complex relationship between the realms of dream and reality, one in which each informs the other. In “A Midnight’s Terror,” the Styles make their first reference to the dream world, in which the imperfections of reality are temporarily corrected, but with constant awareness of the ephemerality of dreams. Here, Myers sings, “You evade me before I get there and I can barely feel your warmth.” Similarly, the grim laments of "My Arms True" are broken by a certain hope found in dreams when Myers sings, “In my dreams I float with space girls, and I awake with hopes that a new day opens doors.” In such moments, the Styles suggest that happiness lies at the intersections between dreams and reality and that denying dreams, or avoiding these intersections, leads to the aversion of happiness. Framed by the enigmatic, anachronistic timepiece “The King’s Theme,” Twentieth Century Style’s album "About Being Happy and How to Get Around It," toes the line separating dreams and reality and finds both cosmic and human beauty in dreams, space girls, and the fuzzy lines between past and present.

RFDTV

2007-12-27T09:59:00.000-05:00

So, here it is. My 20th entry. I've learned a lot about blogging in the past few weeks. I've learned my strong suits. I've figured out what I need to work on. And I've figured out what I need to stay away from.

I initially conceptualized this space of mine as being more of a private zone where I could come, get away and jot down all of the funny things that have happened to me over the past 24 hours. Something has occurred to me, though. Either nothing funny happens to me anymore or it takes more than a few hours for me to determine if its a worthwhile memory or not. So, after a few hit or miss first posts, I've started filtering my current event stories in lieu of random old memories, top ten lists or just general clevernesses.

I'm not sure if Christmas was funny or not, yet. Both events of this divorced child's holiday featured evolved traditions. It was interesting to celebrate with my father's side at my grandmother's new house. For the previous 26 years, it was somewhere else or something. That's not important though. Time will tell if that ongoing blow job joke that everyone was riffing on will become a true holiday staple or not. As for my mother's side, I would wager that we'll tune in again to watch the Johnnie High Christmas Show next year, but we'll probably pretend to not hear it when my mother's boyfriend suggests that we watch the latest Larry The Cable Guy special. All I can remember is my grandmother sprawled, passed out on the floor after that hour was over. As that sweet ass Christmas dinner approaches, you can only hear so many terrorist, indigestion and "San Francisco" jokes before you're just not hungry anymore.

So, I just glossed over the Johnnie High Country Music Revue there, but I shouldn't have. Did you click on that link? This show was ridiculously amazing. Check out the Bios and fun facts!

The show is anchored by these vets:

John Sharp

the ultimate "stylist"
can't remember the last time he was serious about anything

Kristy Stuble

lots of laundry and cooking
introduced to husband by Johnnie High, who loves to play matchmaker

Mike Stewart

aka 'Earl' from Burnt Mattress, Arkansas, just above Hot Springs
proud grandfather
official cane carrier

Then there's the young whipper snappers!

Michael Hix

"dances like Michael Jackson, entertains like Elvis, sings like a superstar!*"
gives a thumps up to the cameraman a lot

* where superstar=Aaron Neville

Ashley Smith
(pictured with her Pa-Paw, Johhnie High)

Performed a lead role in a nationally televised "Made for TV" movie in 2006
isn't very good

I wish Comcast would jump on the RFD-TV bandwagon. I assume that RFD stands for Rural Free Delivery, but I should'nt say that with any degree of certainty. They don't tell you on their website. You're just supposed to know. They don't want any city folk. That said, I wouldn't need TiVo anymore if I had this station. They have a lot of country music programming...stuff from the archives and brand new shows. The brilliant part is that their current production quality is so neolithic, that you're never sure if its a live feed or something that Philo Farnsworth had thrown together. Another third of their airtime is dedicated to farming shows, although I haven't seen any of those yet. And the final third is all about the CHAT show. They're bringing Imus back!

Then, there's Crook and Chase, whom are described as "two of television's most beloved and recognizable personalities." They're bringing them back too! In one of the commercials, Crook accuses Chase of having a "weird sense of humor." [I should state that I'm just assuming which one is Crook and which one is Chase, based solely on how they position themselves on the screen.] Well, if Crook thinks Chase is weird...wait until she meets this guy!

After that clip, you'll agree when the press release explains that C&C "gives [their audience] the pizzazz of showbiz, but also a personal connection to the stars they love." Writer's strike be damned. Color me interested!

Music Wrap Up For This 2007

2007-12-26T11:48:00.000-05:00

When I made my Best of 2006 list, I committed what I now realize to be a huge mistake. You see, there was a considerable amount of good albums released overseas in late 2006, that weren't properly released in the U.S. until 2007. So, I made the across-the-board decision that in the case of these albums, I would use the earlier date. So, that means that the Jarvis Cocker solo album is stuck in 2006. That masterpiece of a last Sloan album...2006. The addictive I'm From Barcelona album that I didn't even hear until 2007, thus I didn't even rank...yep, even though you became my personal soundtrack for 2007, you're 2006 too. Those three albums would be the top three, easily, for this year.

You see, I got cocky about 2007. There was so much much hope. Wilco, Fountains of Wayne, the BMX Bandits, Dinosaur Jr, Gary B, The Ladybug Transistor, Of Montreal, The New Pornographers. Radiohead, Rufus Wainwright, The Shins, The Rosebuds. At some point or another in history, each of these bands either held the distinction of being my favorite band, maker of an album that I listened to nothing but for weeks straight and/or in the case of the New Pornographers, a group that I thought was singlehandedly reshape the face of pop music forever. And now in one calendar year, they all had new albums. What could go wrong?

Granted, I had outgrown Dinosaur, Rufus and Radiohead years ago, so I expected the worst out of them. Thus, I was pleasantly surprised when I found some pretty enjoyable moments on each of their new albums. That said, I'm done with those albums, probably never to return.

Wilco and Fountains of Wayne...they still sting. I could pinpoint an exact date when I thought with full certainty that Tweedy and Collingsworth/Schlesinger weren't capable of writing a bad song.

Every Uncle Tupelo album was split into two EPs. The vomit inducing Jay Farrar side and the magic Tweedy side. The first three Wilco albums? Utterly perfect. The first two Golden Smog records? The Billy Bragg and Wilco two-fer? Wow and wow. Then came the first chink in the armor...Yankee Hotel Foxtrot. I've come to like this album a lot, but when I first heard it, it was the first mis-step. I thought they were being too groundbreaking for their own good. It made me go back and re-evaluate the earlier works. Being There? Maybe 3/4 as good as I had initially thought. Then came A Ghost Is Born and off came the wheels. This new one, whatever its called, well it was a step back in the right direction, but I couldn't tell you anything about it. I couldn't sing you one line from it. There's a song about some sort of light and I think that one was the best.

Fountains of Wayne. After two albums and another disc's worth of crazy good b-sides , these guys were unstoppable. Goofy, but earnest. Then came Welcome Interstate Managers, which was a perfect precursor to this year's junky Traffic and Weather. Whereas Tweedy's curse has been trying to be too innovative...FOW has fucked up by trying to be too cutesy and clever lyrically. The earnestness isn't there anymore. Its just stupid now.

FOW's Adam Schlesinger did do something wonderful this year and that wonderful's name is the soundtrack to Music & Lyrics, which was already deemed my biggest guilty pleasure of 2007. Look, I know that you're going to hate "Way Back Into Love" but listen to it anyhow.

If you have even a tiny heart, you'll remember it tomorrow and the next day, too. And soon enough, it will be the song that you dance to at your wedding. Beyond that, I'm not sure which songs he wrote and which one's some other dude wrote...but I've gone off the deep end and I love almost everything on this soundtrack, except some sort of ancient Egyptian sounding song.

Combine my thoughts about FOW and Wilco, and you'll have my feelings towards Of Montreal.

I'm so unenthusiastic about this year's music, and I'm beginning to think that today's blog has been a horrible decision.

Without further ado, here's my Top Ten of 2007:

The Primary 5 - Go! - When Teenage Fanclub released Grand Prix, Songs From Northern Britain and Howdy, the songwriting responsibilities were evenly split amonst Norman Blake, Gerry Love and Raymond McGinley. I can't argue with the results. All three of them were at the tops of their game. Little did we know, they had Paul Quinn just sitting behind the drums. Well, Paul eventually left and "Go!" is his second set of ten catchy as all hell pop songs. I shudder to think what a Teenage Fanclub album would sound like now if Ray, Norm and Gerry were all bumped down to three songs a piece to make room for some Paul songs. As a side, Paul once asked if I wanted to write a song with him and I didn't act quickly enough. I kick myself over that daily. The Primary 5 have subsequently broken up, so this is their swan song. Something tells me that they'll reform in 2008.
Apples In Stereo - Can You Feel It? - The Apples were always one of those bands that I couldn't say one bad thing about, yet still could never find it in me to want to listen to any of their music. Then came this album. Their opus.
Steve Hefter & Friends of Friends - Twist and Hold Til Morning - It makes me sad that two of my friends' bands made the Perfect Baltimore Record before I had the chance. Because of that, I had to leave Roddy off of the list. It's still just too painful. This one makes me forget about Wilco.
The Shins - Wincing The Night Away - If you told me in January that this album would have made my Top Ten list, I would have told you that you were crazy. Lo and behold, its grown on me. It starts slow and boring, but luckily that song only lasts like 20 seconds. The competition didn't hurt either.
Nick Lowe - At My Age - Okay, I'm not positive that all of these songs aren't all the same song, but I like it a lot anyhow. Dude's got a voice.
Band Of Horses - Cease To Begin - Ditto on this one,although less emphasis on the "voice" part. I've only just gotten this one, so I haven't learned it too well. That said, it seems like a real winner, and the future will probably show this one rocketing up my charts. The first song is called "Is There A Ghost," and its the type of song that I'd love to write. Its like three lines that he sings over and over, yet the music behind it keeps the song interesting. I don't think that I could get away with it as easily.
The BMX Bandits - Bee Stings - The last BMX album, My Chain, took me a year to fully appreciate, so I'm giving this one that same benefit of the doubt. There's plenty of enjoyable moments, but overall, I find myself snoozing a bit. They've added a female singer to the mix, who works out pretty well, but she steals a lot of the singing time away from Duglas T. Stewart, whose voice is a bit of a "grower," but once you get down with it, you can't get enough. Come back, Duglas!
The Thrills - Teenager - Eh, nondescript, but its fine. Really, its okay.
Euros Childs - Miracle Inn/Bore Da - This is two albums, and I really shouldn't group them together. One of them has a lot of Welsh talk on there and one has a lot of horse talk. This fella used to sing in a group called Gorky's Zygotic Mynci and I was nervous that they stopped making music altogether...but guess what...here's this guy doing his guy stuff on some sort of solo albums.
Original Soundtrack - Music & Lyrics - 'Nuff said. I know that you said you wouldn't trust me anymore after I made you go see the Bacon Brothers, but give me one more chance!

Random stats: 47 new release music albums acquired this year. 2 comedy albums.

And there you have it.

Real-Time Songwriting

2007-12-24T20:44:00.000-05:00

There's nothing that irks the musician side of me more than an unfinished song. Unfortunately, I have plenty of these, and even more unfortunately, I don't imagine that I'll ever have a clean slate.

I used to record every last snippet of every little idea that I had ever come up with and that was possibly my worst idea ever. Granted, you don't want to accidentally not write the next Hey Jude, but as some wise soul once put it, if its truly a great song, how could you ever forget it? So ever since I stopped recording said snippets, I've been much more sane, but I still have a few dozen wordless melodies floating around in my head.

On Sunday, an epiphany hit me and I was able to finish writing a song that I've been working on for about six months now. I had been sitting on some chords and melodies for a verse/chorus thinger with a few random lyrics written. As I had when I was writing songs for the first Water School album, I was determined to write a really optimistic song. Thus, the few lyrics that I had written seemed to revolve around this single dude who's trying to get his things in order since his lady situation has just taken a turn for the better. And I had decided that it wouldn't be too long of a song. Maybe three choruses and two verses. Simple stuff. Except it wasn't...until yesterday, when I was bored and put my mind to it, and wrote those choruses and verses, in addition to a bridge that sounds like I stole it (and probably did) right from the opening track of Break Up With Water School.

The recording style is very reminiscent of what my friend Bryan does with his Tambourine Club recordings. A lot of reverb and delay. And tambourine.

One of the last lyrics I wrote for the song was inspired by how Gittings did his laundry last week and couldn't remember if he used any detergent. Getting into the habit of washing his clothes with just water seemed like something this down-on-his-luck guy would do, so I wrote a line or two about it.

I also doubled the lead vocal just like I used to do in high school.

Also, "bugging us out" seems like something that people say, but Google says differently.

I've always loved songs that utilize "Baby" in the third person. These come to mind:

Baby's Coming Back by Jellyfish,
Baby Gets High by the Blake Babies
Baby's In A Bad Mood by Michael Shelley
Baby's Coming Back To Me by Jarvis Cocker
Baby's In Black by the Beatles

Now, never in the real world would I ever refer to a significant other as Baby to someone other than her, if even her... as in, "Hey Rick, have you seen Baby around?" And I'm also pretty sure that the above artists, or anyone for that matter, would never participate in such a practice either. But that's what songwriting is all about. You get away with stuff that would make you feel like a real tool if you said it in a non-fictional setting. And this is my favorite songwriting liberty of all time.

So, yeah, maybe that all will make sense after you hear the song. Its not the best song, but its not long either...

I present to you the first recorded incarnation of Baby's Coming Home.

The Movies That I Saw In 2007

2007-12-21T09:42:00.000-05:00

Hi Blog.

I got this idea from a Feminist Blog that I frequent.

Of the gazillion films released in the United States in 2007, I saw 20 of them. 8 were viewed in a real live movie theatre and the other 12 were watched in the comfort of someone's home. More often than not, that home belonged to me. Today, I'll simply list the latter and harp on the former. In most cases, I've forgotten nearly everything about the film, so I'll be dealing in vague generalities.

Anyhow, here's my top 12 films watched via DVD or Magic Download, sorta maybe in some order with the top 6 being significantly better than the bottom 6:

Sunshine
Zodiac
Sicko
Knocked Up
Music & Lyrics
Hot Fuzz
Blades of Glory
28 Weeks Later
The Simpsons Movie
Spiderman 3
Evan Almighty
The Number 23

Evan Almighty, not very good, had my favorite moment. You see, this was one of those magic downloads that I watched at an acquaintance's house who does that sort of thing. Anyhow, it seems that the person who initially ripped this movie took a few liberties in order to try to make the movie a little more exciting. There was some boring scene in a bar, where you could see the Daily Show playing on one of the TVs. Well, all of a sudden, that particular TV goes fuzzy, and then this amazing technical genius replaced the original image with his tag and some silly non-sequitors. I think it might have just said Booyah!, but it was the most clever Booyah! that I had ever seen. I was also fearful that this meant that this movie now included some sort of computer virus, but was too giddy over Booyah! to care. At the end of the movie, I told this acquaintance to send $30 to Universal Pictures. He did and then I stopped being friends with him. I don't remember his name and I don't know how to find him.

I have also been renting an un-viewed The Wendell Baker Story from Netflix for over a month now. I'll watch it once I've computed that I've paid over $1000 for the privilege.

Okay, if you're still with me, we'll now move onto the multiplex views. I'll attempt to put them in order of best to worst:

300 - This was the worst movie that I've ever seen in my life. From the first time that I saw the trailer, I knew that there was never going to be a dumber movie available for my eyes. You see, my [then] 16 year old out-of-towner cousin came to visit earlier in the year. During his previous visit, he, our uncle and I went to see Nacho Libre, which itself is hardly in a position to be called even a guilty pleasure, but has now, nevertheless, been given a full pardon. When Cousin hit Baltimore again this time around, I knew that the three of us would be seeing another movie together. In my mind, the only thought that I had was "Please don't suggest 300. Please don't suggest 300." Obviously, he's a mindreader and since I couldn't walk out of the theatre, I purposely fell asleep for 20 minutes of the film, only to be awoken by some topless guy screaming something about Xerxes. I didn't find the green screened backdrops awe-inspiring. I thought the dialogue was god awful. And I had zero interest in that portion of dumb history, which seemed to be an opinion that I shared with the filmmakers. Booyah!
Reno 911: Miami - My apologies to the Reno 911 crew for being second only to 300. My mother, the aforementioned uncle and I saw this one on opening day. One of the few Mitch Hedberg jokes that I never fully supported was one about sitcom characters, and how once any 30 minutes episode is over, you never find yourself saying, "I wish I could see that character for another 30 minutes." Well, this movie (and the Simpsons movie, for that matter) finally made me understand what he was talking about. It had a great deal of funny bits, but overall, it was probably 60 minutes too long. Plus the extended masturbation scene was maybe a bit uncomfortable.
The Bourne Ultimatum - I went to see this one with my father and a different uncle. Two guys world reknown for forgetting every detail of every movie that they've ever seen. My dad was really excited to see this one, even though he had never seen the first two. So, even though I had only seen the first of the series, I felt like I was ahead of the curve. My uncle had seen them all! And while we waited patiently in our stadium seats, I asked him to give us a rundown on what happened in the last movie, to which he replied, "I have no idea." For a movie series about brainwashing, I couldn't think of a better target audience. Well, obviously, this has all rubbed off on me, because I have no clue what happened in this movie. There was a lot of running around and neck breaking and car bombs and switcheroos. As we left, my uncle found it in him to say, "It wasn't as good as the last one."
Once - Whew, I finally got away from the family! I saw this with a friend of mine, upon her suggestion. I was out of the loop and it was only my glimpse of a plot outline an hour prior that gave me any clue of what to expect. I can't say that I loved it, but it certainly was worth my time. There was a lot of singing in it. They sang one song a whole lot of times. And at first, I didn't care for the song, but by the time that this street urchin type guy and his broken-vacuum girlfriend scrounged together a band and recorded the song during an all-nighter at the studio, I was really feeling it! Call me stupid, but I love those montages in musiccy movies where the band only has enough money for 8 hours of studio time, but they find a way to pull things together and make a kick ass record!
American Gangster - Family! I didn't mean to see that last movie without you! I saw this one with the father. Denzel. Russell Crowe. Right in my dad's wheelhouse. An ex-girlfriend once described my father as a Russell Crowe type. And I have to agree. Just minus all the phone throwing and fist fights. One day, I imagine that I'll be a Russell Crowe type, myself. Yeah, I liked this one alright. What was it about? Some gangsters or something.
Pan's Labyrinth - Since the aforementioned feminist blog already stole my bit about how its really tough to spell Labyrinth, its tough for me to find much else to say about this one, beyond that I feel bad for not seeing enough subtitles this year. Discounting Reno 911, this was obviously the most beautifully filmed movie that I saw this year. It was so beautiful that I've forgotten completely who I saw this with.
The Darjeeling Limited - It didn't take much for Wes Anderson to fall out of my good graces, and The Life Aquatic did it for me. Not that it was an awful movie. And maybe when I get around to seeing it for a second time, I'll enjoy it immensely. And its not even that I entered that film thinking that Wes Anderson was impervious to imperfections. Against most of my friends' better opinion, I think that Bottle Rocket is pretty much a crappy movie. So, I went into this one with an Everything Goes Bagel attitude. Actually, knowing that Bill Murray had nothing more than a cameo and Mark Mothersbaugh did not do the music, I would call that EverythingGoesBagel-2. Five of us, including another cousin, drove to Bethesda to see this one. The showing that we were shooting for was sold out, so we decided to see the Arbutus sights, read some magazines and eat some potbelly sandwiches. There's so much more involved with this story, so I'll have to make a note to put it all in another blog sometime. Man, these build-ups are becoming increasingly larger than the reviews. Movie good.
Superbad - Of course, the movie that I saw twice this year would be crowned my No. 1. Three of us went to see this the first time? I think? Definitely at least one cousin was involved. Whereas the above filmmaker has disappointed me in the past, the Judd Apatow crowd has yet to offer me a clunker. I mean, maybe I'll never watch Knocked Up or The 40 Year Old Virgin again, but I enjoyed them while I was there. My friend Ddot said that he cried at the end of this movie because it reminded him so much of our high school days. I don't remember us knowing that many girls, but otherwise, I probably agree with him. What made the movie even funnier was when I took my father to see it. I knew he would love it and in advance, I had picked out all of the scenes that I knew he would get all ROFLy over. Low and behold, I was dead-on and I heard him laugh maniacally and he slapped me on the shoulder at all the right moments. Typically, you don't picture Russell Crowe laughing and shoulder-slapping maniacally, but I respectfully ask you to reconsider.

This blog took me three point five hours to type. I'm really sorry.

False Perceptions of Adulthood #1, #2 and #3

2007-12-20T10:00:00.000-05:00

Over the last few weeks, in random unrelated conversations, I've stumbled upon various forgotten items. Items was a weird word choice, but I'm not in the business of fixing it just yet. Maybe in a future edit.

What I'm trying to say is that when I was a kid, I had these notions of what I'd be seeing a lot of once I turned into an adult. These assumptions were based mainly on Hollywood, but a few of them, I had convinced myself that they were happening on my own block or even in my own home, just barely removed from my peripheral vision.

So, I thought I'd tackle some of these as I'm reminded of them. I have three of them for today. I'll probably never do this feature again.

Ski masks - I'm pretty sure that my six year old self had one of these bad boys, but again, I might just be confusing myself with Dennis the Menace or some joker like that. That said, my vague recollection is that the ski mask didn't work as well as you'd expect. It seems like a impenetrable force, but I recall that whenever I took it off, it would essentially become a leaky bag of snow. I guess I never really paid attention to the adult fashion of winter when I was a child, but I'm sure that things were running rampant all over the place. I'd be really interested in wearing one of these things again. Just as my swimming trunks are filled with less sand when I return home from the beach these days, I'm sure that the interior of my ski mask would be equally less snowy. I refuse to accept that bank robbers have given these things a bad name. Bank robbers have been around forever and I'm certain that bank robbers and ski masks co-existed for centuries and centuries. Does anyone run a Sunny's Surplus or a gang? I'd settle for some pantyhose, even.
Cuckoo Clocks - As a kid, I was convinced that my grandparent's Grandfather clock (did that just blow your mind?) was actually a cuckoo clock and that I was just never around when the little bird popped out and walked around a bit. I wasn't tuned into the concept that the EVENT was to happen at the top of the hour. And every time that large bell in its chest cavity rang, it never occurred to me that the bell was the sole purpose of this clock. I just assumed it was an added perk. Anyhow, I thought my grandparents were even more special because of this clock. Cuckoo clocks seemed like something only a wealthy game hunter could own. I prayed that by the time that I was older, they'd be much more affordable to the common man. And that there'd even be watch-sized versions of them. And look where we really are...round wall-hangers with guitars or trains in place of each number, that resound with a distinct riff or toot at the turn of each hour. Color me disappointed in clock choices.
Telescopes that Spy On Neighbors - Look, don't get the wrong idea. I'm not one of these people. But, I'd at least like to have a buddy who did this sort of thing.

Alright! That was fun, right?

Christmas Tune Up

2007-12-19T09:36:00.000-05:00

Last December, I had a plan. I was going to embark on the most gigantic Christmas music shopping spree that any man has ever embarked upon. I knew that by the time that I was finished collecting all of the music, Christmas 2006 would be over, but I was planning for the future. I wanted Christmas 2007 to be more Silver Belly than ever. And as far as my January 2007 self was concerned, this plan was deemed a huge success.

It was only this month when I realized that last year, I had only procured a Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra CD, in addition to importing my copy of New Wave X-mas into iTunes. This was disheartening. I had honestly fooled myself into believing that I had already cornered the market on Christmas music.

So, I quickly ran out and bought an Elvis and Dean Martin Christmas CD to try to make my Christmas spirit feel better. Well, it helped a bit. But not a lot.

So, on Friday night, I pushed an internet button that would fetch over 9GB of Christmas music and drop them onto my Macbook. Like, total legal stuff. Well, Monday night, the download was complete and I had like 130 new Christmas albums to decide if I wanted to keep or not. There's plenty of no-brainers in here. Kenny and Dolly. John Denver and the Muppets. Sesame Street. Doris Day. Merle Haggard. Chris Isaak. And a lot of stuff that I had never expected to be bundled. Like the Belle and Sebastian Christmas Peel Session or the R.E.M. Christmas Fanclub album or the compilation of Japanese Christmas songs.

I could get snobby about the bit rate being too low on some of this stuff, but I won't. I'm appreciative that this internet button allowed me such a collection.

Now, here's my conundrum. Will I offend the internet by deleting out all of the junk? No offense to the fans in the audience, but I don't really care to have the 98 Degrees Christmas Album...or Charlotte Church...or Skinkhead Xmas. I've given plenty of benefits of doubt. Alan Jackson? Alright. Barbra? Yeah, you can come along too. Star Wars Holiday Album? Okay, but I'm going to have to put you on "Skip When Shuffling." And don't tell anyone this, but I gave Amy Grant a fifteen minute window of opportunity.

So, I've sorted out the great, the guilty pleasures and the awful. Now, I'm left with 60 or 70 albums that I still need to figure out. There's an oodle of compilations, and I'll have to be careful to avoid having too many duplicate instances of the same song. And then I have to decide how I feel about Mannheim Steamroller and whatever that other band is called that sounds just like them. But what's more intriguing are the 15 or so albums by artists with a lot of odd characters in their names. At first glance, they look Scandinavian and I'm happy.

Hanging out with bloggers

2007-12-18T10:10:00.000-05:00

Hello,

[editor's note: sorry for all of the italics and commas in this one]

You all might not know this, but once you're deep in the Blogger Community, there's some certain lingo that you inevitably pick up. I'll delve into the lesserknowns in some other blog (once I learn them), but I'll fill you in on the most important one first. You see, when you're hanging out with your blogger friends at a drinking bar, as a point of entry into a blog-based conversation, one of you must say, "I'm digging the blog." Then that opens up the door to all sorts of stuff.

The humorous coda to this pointless entry is this: Last night at the bar, a longtime blogging friend said "I'm digging the blog" to me. Being that this was the first that I had heard of this phrase, I misheard him as saying, "I'm dating a blond." Which he is, but I knew this, so it seemed like an odd ice-breaker to me. I gave him the old Its like you don't even know me cold shoulder for the rest of the night.

Later in the night, after I had realized the trick that my ears had played on me, I tried my luck with this great one-liner to one-half of my new favorite blogging tandem. And low-and-behold, his response was, "When did you go to the Block??!?"

Okay, now you try!

Reader Mailbag #1

2007-12-17T15:01:00.001-05:00

Miscellaneous cab rider writes:
Hey sir. So I was the guy who got out of the cab out in front of your office building. Anyhow, I pulled you aside to ask how many blocks away Light Street was. I suggested that it was 2 blocks away, but you told me it was "at least four blocks away." Well, as it turns out, it was only two blocks AND it was in a different direction than the one which you pointed me in. Why did you do this to me?

Chris writes:
I'm so sorry, Mister!

Christmas Shopping Done!

2007-12-17T10:12:00.001-05:00

The first of my frantic thoughts this morning was that I haven't done a lick of Christmas shopping yet. Now, I'm wondering if I shouldn't just cut my losses and tell my mom and dad that I'll catch up with them next time around?

You see, I like the idea of Christmas presents and I especially like the idea of buying less merchandise and more experience. Ever since I began the streamlining process of my life and belongings, I can't, in good conscience, bring myself to buy any clutterish item for anyone that I love. Plus, they're getting clutter from everyone else, anyhow. In the instance of my mother, my brother and I have already given her the gift of a bunch of junk out in the garage that we were too lazy to root/route through when we moved out. Perhaps my gift will be to remove all of that junk from the garage? Probably still lazy though.

The problem is that I'm all out of good ideas. I'd settle for merchandise at this point. For the first time, I asked my mother what she wanted and she said she'd be satisfied with some Starbucks gift cards. Well, its nice that I asked, but I'm not quite at the point in my life where I'll settle for buying someone a gift that they explicitly told me that they wanted. I prefer that they give me the occasional hints and I have to use my beautiful mind to put the tips together.

Okay, if you believe me or not, it's inconsequential to me, but...During the process of typing this entry, I've recalled one possible idea for each of my two (!) parents.

For my dad...well, he's going to be spending a lot of time in Norfolk over the next year for work stuffs. So much time that he's even rented an apartment there. So, my idea isn't too specific yet, but there's gotta be a lead here somewhere. Something perfect for a one year apartment rental? Some sort of gift certificate to some sort of premiere Norfolk dining establishment? Any Norfolkers in the audience?

For my mom, she's in love with the Ace of Cakes. Even if I would have looked into this three months ago, I know it would have been foolish for me to expect them to be available to bake my mother a Muppets themed cake for Christmas. That said, its a great idea for her birthday in June, right? Well, no, because they're already booked for the week leading up to her birthday. Shoot.

As for you, my lovely friends? Well, I'm taking you to Chile's again and will be flipping the cost for however many funny colored drinks that your little heart could desire.

Random Memory TV Blog Juniors

2007-12-13T13:49:00.000-05:00

Hi.

There was this guy, nice guy, who was a good friend of mine in elementary school and middle school. We also went to the same high school, although we went our own separate paths once there. It was fine though. We were still cordial and said Hi in the hallway. Let's call him Skynyrd, because I think I have a lot more stories to tell about this guy.

Anyhow...one day, we were waiting in line for the bookshop or something and in an effort to make small talk, he took that one fading memory that I was a big Tom Petty fan and said the following...

"I heard on the radio that if Tom Petty didn't break his arm back in the 70's, he would be the greatest guitar player of all time."

I didn't know what to do besides agree and that was it.

I say Hello

2007-12-11T09:32:00.000-05:00

There's this woman that runs another division of my company whom I pass on the street on my to/from work at least once a week. I've had email communications with her periodically, but have never had any face-to-face dealings with her. That said, I know what she looks like. And my assumption would be that even if she couldn't match my face to my name, by the point, she has to at least realize that I work for the same company.

Nevertheless, I walk past her as I go about my day and I look in her general direction, typically giving her about 5 seconds to make eye contact with me, so that I can initiate a Good Morning, Good Evening or just a head nod. Look, I'm as big of a fan of New York City Street Etiquette as the next person, but there comes a point where you're so desperate for some sort of acknowledgment, that it starts tearing apart your very being. C'mon. Just a head nod!

Well, as history could have predicted, I came upon the same predicament this morning. I spotted her outside of her building when I was about 25 yards out. For the next 20, I split time between eyeballing her and eyeballing the ground with the final 5 being directed in her general direction. I must tell you...things were looking optimistic. I could tell she could see me peripherally. But just as I reached ground zero, her head shifted away from mine... but only after I had already started the Guu of my Good Morning. I managed to salvage my respectability and turned the whole thing into a bit of a nonsensical mumble.

So, another unsuccessful attempt.

Or was it???!!???

After I had already cleared her, I heard a Good Morning come from 2 yards behind me, spoken in the exact same tone that a high school principal would say to his most anti-social student. It was as if these six months were all my fault. As if it had been me snubbing her all along. So, I gave a toothy grin and repeated it back to her, because that's all I can ever do. I wish I could have gone LD on her, but alas, I'll never be LD.

The narrator then tucks you into bed and kisses you on the forehead.

Sweet dreams.

Egg Bagels

2007-12-10T14:34:00.000-05:00

"The only good thing about the weekend, baby, is that Monday's just two days away. C'mon boy!"

Name that lyric. So after secretly deciding that blogging on the weekend would be kinda the lame way to go, I just quietly counted the seconds until I could type some more words into my little space here.

This weekend, we finally got the big Egg Babies/Eric and Bovie artshow off of the ground. For once, Eric and Bovie are their actual names. I didn't really see a point in giving them pseudonyms. But now that I've brought it up, let's call them Arty and Painty. This was Arty's first show ever or at least since he was required to include things at school-sponsored things at MICA. Well, it shouldn't have taken him this long. The other friends and I have always encouraged him to do more with his talents. So after years of pulling his hair to work up some album covers and show flyers...Painty was finally the one that convinced him to do a joint show. And it worked like gangbusters. They shared materials, so that from a distance, you couldn't necessarily tell that they were two different artists. Of course, as you approached, you could see the obvious Paintyisms versus the obvious Artyisms. My one complaint is that Arty had promised me a life-size painting of a man on stilts rescuing a cat from a tree. Didn't happen.

As for the Egg Babies, we lucked ourselves into another insanely well attended show thanks to the draw of the art, the Good Guise and J-Roddy Walston & The Business. And, also, as luck would have it, the crowd was quite attentive and gave us all sorts of cheers at all of the appropriate times. To complete the trilogy of luck, a kind soul had recorded the set, so I just got through listening to it.

Now, after the last show, we received a copy of the set and it was quite a humbling listen. Not that we were terrible...just that there's a certain amount of Eggdrenaline (sorry) that runs through us on stage and we think we're infallible. So, after that one, I had expected the worst, but low and behold, we actually played pretty well. Of course, I've pinpointed a problem area in each song, but overall, it was a real party set. Our new female singer was really freaking great and she added a nice counterpoint to that typical Chris Sound that everyone's come to expect. And after the way "Holiday Road" was sounding at practice all week, its a real wonder that we somehow convinced 200 people to sing along to the chorus with us.

So, its nice to have that eggshausting (sorry again) week of practicing over again. I have a throat issue that I'm hoping to resolve before the band takes a lucky contest winner out on a romantic date next week.

Okay, that's all I've got.

Funny bagel names

2007-12-07T10:15:00.000-05:00

Good morning!

So, I've never disliked coffee, but its only been recently that I've taken to having a cup every morning. I'd like to say that it does something for me, but I'm pretty sure that it plays no role larger than being simply a soothing beverage. Caffeine is lost in me. My teenage years were spent atop Mt. Dew, so I built up a tolerance for it.

Anyhow, when I was at Donna's this morning, the South African man in front of me ordered an Everything Goes bagel. Now that's the sort of bagel with whom I want to hang out!

That's the story!

ISO Gooseberry Soda, Volume 2

2007-12-06T14:40:00.000-05:00

With the help of darnedbestestblog girl, I had half a mind to think that I'd be hearing that song about a sweet sweet sip of soda by closing tonight. I was lead to this web archive site that has taken a snapshot of many a site over the past ten years. I was cautiously optimistic when I searched for mp3.com and found a 1999 version that looked just like the one that I had stored in my memory. Unfortunately, from there, any attempted navigation was pointless. I couldn't search for GooseD, and I couldn't go directly to what I determined to be my old domain name at mp3.com. Using my address as a base, I also tried what I believed to be Well's address. Also to no avail. (editor's note: There is another band on mp3.com called Well...so don't go thinking that you found the ark of the covenant or that I don't try the obvious things).

Are you asking yourself how I remembered my site address? Well, first, its a simple address. But secondly, for lunch, I went home and something that I did have saved on my hard drive was an old website for Twentieth Century Styles, which included a link to the mp3.com page.

And what was even better was that on my "Links" page on the 20thCS, I had included a link to the Well web page on Angelfire!!! Great news, right???!?

Well, no. Of course, the website isn't there anymore. And the further slap in the face...that useless archive site didn't bother to note that particular page as being important enough to remember.

Stack of CD-Rs in Davey's basement...you're my only hope.

The best song that I'll never hear again

2007-12-06T09:49:00.000-05:00

At the turn of the century, I used to post a lot of my little songs on a site called mp3.com . I'm pretty sure that the current mp3.com is the same as the old mp3.com, except my log-in doesn't work anymore. I guess that's what seven years of inactivity will get you.

mp3.com (should I have capitalized that m?) was to 1999 what Myspace Music is to Nowadays, albeit not so IN YOUR FACE. Struggling bands would set up their page, add some mp3s and bio information, then hope that someone would stumble upon their page. There were no bulletins. No friend requests. You'd tell the system what your sound was reminiscent of, and then users would search on their favorite artists to find new bands. Perhaps I was just more open to the idea back then, but I feel like I like I heard a lot better stuff than I do currently on Myspace, etc. There was still plenty of crap, that's for sure, but there were quite a few gems.

For those of you who knew my 1999 self, or my 2007 self for that matter, it wouldn't take Nostradamus to figure out what my search criteria would have been when looking for new music. And the results were always much less daunting then they are on myspace. As opposed to being directed to Page 1 of 30, I'd be greeted with 25 or 30 artists max...an amount that I could realistically navigate entirely through and really decide if any of them were worth a damn.

As luck would have it, within the first few results was always an act called Well, from somewhere in Europe. My memory eludes me on that much. It was just one guy and he only had one song, but it was the most incredible song I've ever heard. Drum machine...the guitars sounded like they were plugged right into the 1/8" microphone jack on this computer...and the vocals were plentifully recorded. The song was called "GooseD" and the chorus went like this...

Gooseberry soda, I drink it without a straw
There's a black snake in the quarry, a dangerous undertow

And although it was absolute pop, every time he sang about that black snake, I'd quiver in fear. Then came an overdriven Spontaneous Gyrations era Gittingsesque extended guitar solo. Pure magic.

Now for the horrific part of the story. I don't have this song anymore and I don't anticipate it eventually showing up on a Time/Life boxset. Whereas I've spent the last years streamlining my personal belongings, I've always been very thorough about saving and backing up all of my computer files. Everything except for this mp3.

I mean, its not as dire as it sounds. I'm certain that I must have a copy of it somewhere. Whether its on a CD-R spindled up in DGW's basement. Or on the computer that I sold Orangey a few years back. But I can't help but be frightened of that small percentage chance that I'll never hear it again. There's not much hope that I'm going to recall Well's Angelfire web address...and even if I did, what's the likelihood that Angelfire has preserved the page?

I'm already planning for the worst case scenario of having a hypnotist pull every recollection of this song from my brain, so that I can record and recreate it on my own. For God's sake, I can't remember how the verse went and its wrecking me.

Please advise.

Today's Random Memory

2007-12-04T16:33:00.000-05:00

In the spring of 2000, I didn't have a job, I didn't have a girlfriend and I'm pretty sure that I didn't go to school either.

So, why not take a car ride to NYC with the mother, grandmother, brother and sister-in-law to see True West, a two man show starring Philip Seymour Hoffman and John C. Reilly as dysfunctional brothers. The age-old battle of the fuck-up verses the straight-lacer. The clever part about that the production was that PSH and JCR had both parts prepared, so that any given audience hadn't a clue who would be playing whom when they entered the theatre.

On paper, I would have cast Hoffman as the straight man, and Reilly as the wild and crazy guy. Well, we got the opposite. We also had front row seats and PSH sweated and spat on us for 75 minutes! It was great! Then in 2002, when Hoffman played "wild and crazy" in Punch-drunk Love...I said, "I've seen him do that before!"

Okay. The End.

The Bradys and Partridges

2007-12-04T15:53:00.000-05:00

Let's talk about the Patridge Family for a while.

First and foremost, I'll acknowledge that I also appreciate the Patridges' brothers-and sisters-in-arms The Brady Bunch. The Bradys (Bradies?) have some great tunes. Its a Sunshine Day ...Merry Go Round...Time To Change...Candy (Sugar Shoppe) ("sippin' milkshakes in the hot sun!").

Like I said, great songs! But c'mon, they're just a bunch of kids! Okay, I'm not making my point here. The Brady Bunch...there's nothing bad that I can say about them. Maybe they're too cutesy? That's one thing.

Now...the Patridges. Man, that David Cassidy is a Godsend. I spent my middle school years infatuated with the guy. I forget what it was called, but I remember going with my mother and grandmother to see him and Petula Clark in some musical that involved a recurring theme about how Pet-Clark was superstitious about making sure that shoes were never placed on top of a table. Bad luck. And low and behold, either D-Cass or his brother put his shoes on the table and got hit by a truck or something.

So, I Think I Love You and C'Mon Get Happy...yeah, that stuff's good, but don't pigeon-hole the Fam as being too bubblegum for their own good. Give I'll Meet You Halfway a chance...oh and listen to Cassidy's spoken word verse starting at 1:41 in Doesn't Somebody Want To Be Wanted? So much more genuine and convincing, then, say, Elvis' sapfest in Are You Lonesome?.

I could never pull that off.

Just give the family a chance.

Egg Babies Practice Review 12/3

2007-12-04T12:30:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone,

Last night was the second of six Egg Babies practices scheduled for this week. Just the same as Sunday, the six dudes showed up, while the four ladies readied their makeup and outfits for their appearances later in the week...

Imagine that last bit as being a lot more jokey than it may initially read.

For once, the five of us whom don't live at the Record Label building all arrived nearly simultaneously. Honcho Folds was busy with some sort of meeting when we arrived, so the five of us made the ill-advised decision to start the practice with a 45 minute snack break.

Now, don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with snacks. In fact, they're the single reason most of us manage to trudge through the 4 practices. Personally, when I'm singing Tiny Dancer, there are visions of raspberry cookies floating around in my brain. So, what happened last night is this...we ate snacks first and then had nothing to look forward to, so practice suffered because of it. The snacks always seem like a reward, albeit not free, from Honcho, as an acknowledgment that we've done a good job.

Couple this misstep with the fact that Honcho didn't take his pants off at practice, as he did Sunday, and it was one brutally long practice for the Egg Babies.

Now, I can't go into specifics about songs, because the set is always top secret...but let me say this, its possible that we've made a horrendous mistake when we picked out these songs. There's something missing. Maybe its missing Jeff Conlin. Maybe its the lack of a bonafide No. 1 single. Maybe its because I have to do more high singing then I typically have to. Now now, I'm just being pessimistic. We're going to do okay.

Jazzconference Guy and I have an ongoing inside joke going between us. We typically use a hush voice of speaking whenever we reference it, so Orangey can't hear it. He's certain that its about him. Now, couple this with his disappointing second place finish in the Baltimore Sun Dog Photo Contest...triple it with the Coke Zero in the vending machine being sold out...quadruple it with the dance that we've forced him to do during MAJDBTS...and I think we're due to see a major meltdown later this week.

Areas of Expertise

2007-12-04T12:18:00.000-05:00

What am I going to do with this space? I don't have a crazy amount of knowledge or insight into any specific area of life. So, I expect this blog to be a cornucopia of somewhat sensible musings on things that I enjoy.

Maybe I'll offer my thoughts on the MLB Winter Meetings. Maybe I'll post a few half-assed record reviews. Maybe I'll tell you about my walk to work. Maybe I'll tell you what happened on Journeyman last night.

With the exception of this particular post, all entries are guaranteed to start uber-strong, only to fade into nothingness with nary a conclusion.

My First Blogging Mistake

2007-12-04T10:02:00.001-05:00

Hello Blogging World,

Whenever I sign up for a new service, I spend an inordinate amount of time perusing the "Settings" tab. I'm a real sucker for customization. Oddly though, my blog currently looks like every other blog you've ever seen. I feel like I made some good "Settings" decisions, but where are the fruits of my labor? Was it all for nill?

I discovered almost immediately that my first terrible mistake at Blogger.com was when I checked a little box next to something that said "Show transliteration button for your posts?" I'll be the first to admit that I have very little understanding as to what transliteration means, but it seemed like a feature that would make my blog seem more worldly, so I absolutely had to have it. Well, it turns out that this transliteration business is just fancy talk for turn your blog into gibberish. Instantly. I've since turned it off.

These guys know what I'm talking about. Am I right, people??!?

No, but really, I mean no offense to the Hindi language.