RFDTV

So, here it is. My 20th entry. I've learned a lot about blogging in the past few weeks. I've learned my strong suits. I've figured out what I need to work on. And I've figured out what I need to stay away from.

I initially conceptualized this space of mine as being more of a private zone where I could come, get away and jot down all of the funny things that have happened to me over the past 24 hours. Something has occurred to me, though. Either nothing funny happens to me anymore or it takes more than a few hours for me to determine if its a worthwhile memory or not. So, after a few hit or miss first posts, I've started filtering my current event stories in lieu of random old memories, top ten lists or just general clevernesses.

I'm not sure if Christmas was funny or not, yet. Both events of this divorced child's holiday featured evolved traditions. It was interesting to celebrate with my father's side at my grandmother's new house. For the previous 26 years, it was somewhere else or something. That's not important though. Time will tell if that ongoing blow job joke that everyone was riffing on will become a true holiday staple or not. As for my mother's side, I would wager that we'll tune in again to watch the Johnnie High Christmas Show next year, but we'll probably pretend to not hear it when my mother's boyfriend suggests that we watch the latest Larry The Cable Guy special. All I can remember is my grandmother sprawled, passed out on the floor after that hour was over. As that sweet ass Christmas dinner approaches, you can only hear so many terrorist, indigestion and "San Francisco" jokes before you're just not hungry anymore.

So, I just glossed over the Johnnie High Country Music Revue there, but I shouldn't have. Did you click on that link? This show was ridiculously amazing. Check out the Bios and fun facts!

The show is anchored by these vets:

John Sharp

• the ultimate "stylist"
• can't remember the last time he was serious about anything

Kristy Stuble

• lots of laundry and cooking
• introduced to husband by Johnnie High, who loves to play matchmaker

Mike Stewart

• aka 'Earl' from Burnt Mattress, Arkansas, just above Hot Springs
• proud grandfather
• official cane carrier

Then there's the young whipper snappers!


Michael Hix

• "dances like Michael Jackson, entertains like Elvis, sings like a superstar!*"
• gives a thumps up to the cameraman a lot

* where superstar=Aaron Neville



Ashley Smith
(pictured with her Pa-Paw, Johhnie High)

• Performed a lead role in a nationally televised "Made for TV" movie in 2006
• isn't very good
  

I wish Comcast would jump on the RFD-TV bandwagon. I assume that RFD stands for Rural Free Delivery, but I should'nt say that with any degree of certainty. They don't tell you on their website. You're just supposed to know. They don't want any city folk. That said, I wouldn't need TiVo anymore if I had this station. They have a lot of country music programming...stuff from the archives and brand new shows. The brilliant part is that their current production quality is so neolithic, that you're never sure if its a live feed or something that Philo Farnsworth had thrown together. Another third of their airtime is dedicated to farming shows, although I haven't seen any of those yet. And the final third is all about the CHAT show. They're bringing Imus back!

Then, there's Crook and Chase, whom are described as "two of television's most beloved and recognizable personalities." They're bringing them back too! In one of the commercials, Crook accuses Chase of having a "weird sense of humor." [I should state that I'm just assuming which one is Crook and which one is Chase, based solely on how they position themselves on the screen.] Well, if Crook thinks Chase is weird...wait until she meets this guy!



After that clip, you'll agree when the press release explains that C&C "gives [their audience] the pizzazz of showbiz, but also a personal connection to the stars they love." Writer's strike be damned. Color me interested!

Christmas Tune Up

Last December, I had a plan. I was going to embark on the most gigantic Christmas music shopping spree that any man has ever embarked upon. I knew that by the time that I was finished collecting all of the music, Christmas 2006 would be over, but I was planning for the future. I wanted Christmas 2007 to be more Silver Belly than ever. And as far as my January 2007 self was concerned, this plan was deemed a huge success.

It was only this month when I realized that last year, I had only procured a Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra CD, in addition to importing my copy of New Wave X-mas into iTunes. This was disheartening. I had honestly fooled myself into believing that I had already cornered the market on Christmas music.

So, I quickly ran out and bought an Elvis and Dean Martin Christmas CD to try to make my Christmas spirit feel better. Well, it helped a bit. But not a lot.

So, on Friday night, I pushed an internet button that would fetch over 9GB of Christmas music and drop them onto my Macbook. Like, total legal stuff. Well, Monday night, the download was complete and I had like 130 new Christmas albums to decide if I wanted to keep or not. There's plenty of no-brainers in here. Kenny and Dolly. John Denver and the Muppets. Sesame Street. Doris Day. Merle Haggard. Chris Isaak. And a lot of stuff that I had never expected to be bundled. Like the Belle and Sebastian Christmas Peel Session or the R.E.M. Christmas Fanclub album or the compilation of Japanese Christmas songs.

I could get snobby about the bit rate being too low on some of this stuff, but I won't. I'm appreciative that this internet button allowed me such a collection.

Now, here's my conundrum. Will I offend the internet by deleting out all of the junk? No offense to the fans in the audience, but I don't really care to have the 98 Degrees Christmas Album...or Charlotte Church...or Skinkhead Xmas. I've given plenty of benefits of doubt. Alan Jackson? Alright. Barbra? Yeah, you can come along too. Star Wars Holiday Album? Okay, but I'm going to have to put you on "Skip When Shuffling." And don't tell anyone this, but I gave Amy Grant a fifteen minute window of opportunity.

So, I've sorted out the great, the guilty pleasures and the awful. Now, I'm left with 60 or 70 albums that I still need to figure out. There's an oodle of compilations, and I'll have to be careful to avoid having too many duplicate instances of the same song. And then I have to decide how I feel about Mannheim Steamroller and whatever that other band is called that sounds just like them. But what's more intriguing are the 15 or so albums by artists with a lot of odd characters in their names. At first glance, they look Scandinavian and I'm happy.

Christmas Shopping Done!

The first of my frantic thoughts this morning was that I haven't done a lick of Christmas shopping yet. Now, I'm wondering if I shouldn't just cut my losses and tell my mom and dad that I'll catch up with them next time around?

You see, I like the idea of Christmas presents and I especially like the idea of buying less merchandise and more experience. Ever since I began the streamlining process of my life and belongings, I can't, in good conscience, bring myself to buy any clutterish item for anyone that I love. Plus, they're getting clutter from everyone else, anyhow. In the instance of my mother, my brother and I have already given her the gift of a bunch of junk out in the garage that we were too lazy to root/route through when we moved out. Perhaps my gift will be to remove all of that junk from the garage? Probably still lazy though.

The problem is that I'm all out of good ideas. I'd settle for merchandise at this point. For the first time, I asked my mother what she wanted and she said she'd be satisfied with some Starbucks gift cards. Well, its nice that I asked, but I'm not quite at the point in my life where I'll settle for buying someone a gift that they explicitly told me that they wanted. I prefer that they give me the occasional hints and I have to use my beautiful mind to put the tips together.

Okay, if you believe me or not, it's inconsequential to me, but...During the process of typing this entry, I've recalled one possible idea for each of my two (!) parents.

For my dad...well, he's going to be spending a lot of time in Norfolk over the next year for work stuffs. So much time that he's even rented an apartment there. So, my idea isn't too specific yet, but there's gotta be a lead here somewhere. Something perfect for a one year apartment rental? Some sort of gift certificate to some sort of premiere Norfolk dining establishment? Any Norfolkers in the audience?

For my mom, she's in love with the Ace of Cakes. Even if I would have looked into this three months ago, I know it would have been foolish for me to expect them to be available to bake my mother a Muppets themed cake for Christmas. That said, its a great idea for her birthday in June, right? Well, no, because they're already booked for the week leading up to her birthday. Shoot.

As for you, my lovely friends? Well, I'm taking you to Chile's again and will be flipping the cost for however many funny colored drinks that your little heart could desire.